artrippin'

కీడా కోలా అనే ఈ తరుణ్ భాస్కర్ అద్వైత ప్రవచనానికి క్వింటిన్ టారెంటినో వేదిక సిద్ధం చేయగా గయ్ రిట్చీ మైకు సౌండూ బాధ్యతలు నిర్వర్తించారు.

కార్ల పోతున్నప్పుడు నాకు శ్రావణికి అయ్యే మోస్ట్ రిపిటిటివ్ వాదన వివేక్ సాగర ఒవర్రేటెడా కాదా అన్నది. నేనంట అసల్ గసుంటి సౌండ్ ఇంకేడన్నా ఇన్నవా అని, తనంటది అదే ప్రాబ్లం అన్ని పాటల్ ఒకటే తీరుంటయని. నాక్ రెఫ్యూట్ చేయనీకె కరెక్ట్ వాదన దొరక్క తంటాలు పడతాంటా. నేన్ సిగ్నేచర్ అంట, తను రిపిటెటివ్ అంటది. మొన్న డిపిరి డిపిరి తనకి ఇనబెడ్తాన్నప్పుడు అంటే సుందరానికి ప్రోమో సాంగ్ లెక్కనే ఉన్నది కదా అన్నది. నాక్ కాలి అది నెక్స్ట్ ప్లే చేశి ఏంది సిమిలారిటీ అని అడిగిన. ఆ ఎక్సర్సైజ్ వల్ల ఇద్దరం చాలా శ్రద్దతో రెండు పాటలు వింటూంటె నాక్ ఒకటి తట్టింది- తన పాటలు ఆర్ ఎ కలెక్షన్ ఆఫ్ మైక్రో-ట్యూన్స్ అని. ఆ జారీనెస్, బార్డర్లైన్ ఇన్‌కోహెరెన్స్, అమాల్గమేషన్ ఆఫ్ వేరీడ్ సౌండ్ స్టైల్స్ అన్నీ కలిపితే అది వివేక్ సాగర్ సౌండ్.

గీ ముచ్చట నిన్న ధీరజ్‌గాన్తో శ్వాస మీద ధ్యాస మీద ట్రిప్ అయితున్నప్పుడు చెప్పిన. అపుడ్ వాడొక మస్త్ మాట చెప్పిండు- వివెక్ సాగర్ మ్యూజిక్ మాన్యుఫాక్చర్ చెస్తడన్నా అన్నడు. అరె కరెక్ట్ పదం పట్టిండ్రభై అనిపించింది. ఆ తర్వాత తనని, రెహ్మాన్‌ని, ఇళయరాజాని కంపేర్ అండ్ కాంట్రాస్ట్ చేసే ప్రయత్నం చేశ్నం. మేమిద్దరం మ్యూజిక్‌ల అల్టిమేట్ గవార్లం కాబట్టి మాకు కనిపించి, చేజిక్కే పరికరాల్ని కాన్సెప్ట్స్‌నే వెతుకున్నం. మైనర్ డైగ్రెషన్: స్మరణ్ వివేక్ ఆన్ స్టెరాయిడ్స్ అని చెప్పి కొత్త పోరడు సౌండ్ట్రాక్ ఇనమన్న. మీర్‌భీ ఇన్నుర్రి- కిరాక్ ఫకిన్ గుడ్ ఉంటది. బాక్ టు గవార్ మ్యూజిక్ అనాలిసిస్: ధీరజ్ గాడన్నడు రెహ్మాన్ అచ్చిన కొత్తల పబ్లిక్ అంటుండె గీనె సిన్థసైజర్ గవీ ఎక్కువ వాడ్తడు, రాజా మ్యూజిక్ లోని ఇన్‌స్ట్రుమెంటల్ వెరైటీ ఉండది అని. టెక్నికల్లీ సాఫిస్టికేటెడ్ బట్ విదౌట్ ది రిచ్‌నెస్ ఎండ్ క్రియేటివిటీ ఇన్ మ్యూజిక్ అని (అరేయ్ ధీరజ్ నేన్‌గిన నిన్ను మిస్కోట్ చేస్తాంటే కింద కామెంట్స్‌ల తెలియజెయ్). కానీ మా తరం వాళ్ళకి ఆస్ మచ్ ఆస్ వీ లవ్ రాజా సర్, రెహ్మాన్ ఈస్ ద గోల్డ్ స్టాండర్డ్. మేబీ ఇట్సె జెనరేషనల్ థింగ్ అనుకున్నం. కానీ ఆ తర్వాత అచ్చిన అమిత్ త్రివేది (అమ్మతోడు డేవ్.డి ఏమన్న సౌండ్ట్రాకా), వివేక్ సాగర్‌లు ఎంత నచ్చినా ఇంకా రెహ్మాన్ స్టేల్ ఆర్ నీష్ అయిపోలేదు. ఎందుకని జర ఆలోచన పెట్టినం.

అపుడ్ మెహెరన్న తట్టిండు. మా స్మాల్ కెపాసిటీస్‌ల నేను ధీరజ్‌గాడు ఈ కొత్త మ్యూజిక్ డైరెక్టర్స్ లెక్క. కొత్త టూల్స్ వాడుకుంట మాకు ఉన్న కేపబిలిటిల మేము మా యధార్థాన్ని పట్టునికి, ప్రతిబింబించే ఆర్ట్ (నా రాతలకి అది పెద్ద పదం కానీ ప్రస్తుతానికి అడ్జెస్ట్ కార్రి) క్రియేట్ చేస్తున్నం. ఆ ఫ్రాగ్మెంటేషన్, పీస్-మీల్ అప్రోచ్ అప్పుడప్పుడు వర్కౌట్ అయితది కానీ కన్సిస్టెన్సీ అంత లేదు. మోర్ ఇంపార్టెంట్లో, అది మాబోటొల్లకి నచ్చిద్ది కానీ వైడర్ ఆడియెన్స్, బోత్ ఇన్ టైం అండ్ స్పేస్, దొర్కరు. కానీ మెహెరన్న రచనలు అట్ల కాదు. దే ఆర్ నాట్ జస్ట్ స్టాగరింగ్లీ పర్టినెంట్ బట్ అల్సో పార్ట్ ఆఫ్ ది ట్రిడిషన్. అదెట్ల, ఎందుకు అని ఆలోచిస్తే మాకర్థమైనది ఏందటే ఆయన కానన్ చదివిండు, ఆకళింపు చేస్కున్నడు, మంచి చెడు గ్రహించి ఆ పరంపరని ఎంబ్రేజ్ చేశిండు. మేము అట్లేంలే. ఎంతోకొంత రాయొచ్చు కాబట్టి దిమాఖ్ మే జో ఆయా వో లిఖ్ దేరే. ఇప్పటి ప్రపంచంతో ఎంగేజ్ అయితున్నం కాబట్టి ఇంతో అంతో ఆ వైబ్, జైట్‌గైస్ట్ స్పృహ అందులో మిళితమైనా ఫన్‌డమెంటల్ ప్రిన్సిపల్స్ తెలీవు కాబట్టి అవి నిలవవు అని నా అభిప్రాయం. ధీరజ్ గాడికి అట్లాంటిదేదో సృష్టించాలన్న కాంక్ష ఉందనుకుంట గానీ నాక్ లేదు/ పోయింది. ట్రూత్ ఓవర్ బ్యూటీ అని నేననేదానికి మూల కారణం నాలో బ్యూటీని నిర్వచించి, సృష్టించ గలిగే సామర్థ్యం లేకపోవటం. ఎనీవే, మెహెరన్న రెహ్మాన్ లాగ ఎందుకంటే ఆయన క్రాఫ్ట్ ఈజ్ బిల్ట్ ఆన్ ఎ క్లాసికల్ ఎడ్యుకేషన్ బట్ హిజ్ ప్రీఆక్యుపేషన్స్ ఆర్ కాంటెంపొరరీ.

పెద్ద డిస్క్లైమర్: వివేక్ సాగర్‌ది కంప్యూటర్ మ్యూజిక్ అని మా రాతలతో పోల్చటనికి కారణం పైపైన్ మా సృజన కూడ అలాంటిందే అన్న పోలిక కనిపించడం. అంతే కానీ వివేక్‌కి సంగీత జ్ఞానం లేదన్న ప్రతిపాదన కాదు. అలా అనేంత స్థాయి మాకెలానో లేదు, అహంకారమూ లేదు. అంతేగాక తన సంగీతం పట్ల ఎంతో ఇష్టము, కృతజ్ఞత ఉన్నాయి. గీ ముచ్చటల నన్ ఆఫ్ అవర్ పర్సానిఫికేషన్స్ మేబీ ఆక్యురేట్. గిదంతా మా కల్పనే.

ఈ లొల్లి ఎపుడ్ ఉండనే ఉంటది కానీ మీర్ పొయ్యి కీడా కోల చూడుర్రి. ఇచ్చి పడేశిండు తరుణ్. ఇగ వివేక్ భాయ్ దాన్ని మెగా ఎలివేట్ చేశిండు. నాకైతే స్నాచ్ ఇన్స్పిరేషన్ మస్త్ కొట్టొచినట్టు ఔపడ్డది (రఘురామ్ బాటంస్-అప్, ఫ్లైట్ టేకాఫ్, స్క్రీమ్ క్విక్-కట్ ఈజ్ ఎ క్లియర్ హొమాజ్). ఎడ్గర్ రైట్ ప్రభావం ఉందని సద్విన కానీ నేన్ వాన్ సైన్మాల్ సూడలే కాబట్టి తెల్వది. టారెంటినో ఎలానో ఉంటడు. ఆయన వీళ్ళందరి పెద్దన్న- హీ ఈజ్ ద ఒరిజినల్ భక్త నాయుడు. తరుణ్/ జీవన్/ విష్ణు ట్రాక్ ఈజ్ గోల్డ్; విష్ణు ఓయ్ ఈజ్ అల్వేస్ ఎ థ్రిల్ టు వాచ్.

ఒకప్పుడు దీన్ని పోస్ట్-మాడ్రనని గిదని గదని అర్థం చేస్కొని నేన్ గిసుంటిది ఎట్ల క్రియేట్ చేయలని తంటాలు పడి పరేషాన్ అయితుండె. ఇపుడ్ భీ తెల్సుకోవలన్న జిజ్ఞాస, ఇగో గిట్ల ఒర్లే అలవాటు పోలే కానీ అరే నేన్ ఎందుక్ర భై చేయలేక పోతున్న అన్న ఒళ్ళుమంట, కచ్చ లెవ్వు. కొంత వరకు దానికి కారణం నేనూ ఇంతో అంతో రాసుకోడం/ ఫిల్మ్ చేయడం, నా లిమిటెడ్ కేపబిలిటీస్‌ని అక్సెప్ట్ చేయటమే కాక నచ్చిన ఆర్ట్‌ని ఇష్టంతో, కృతజ్ఞతతో, స్వేచ్ఛతో చెరిష్ చేసే పరిపక్వత రావటం. ఇలా బావుంది, ఆస్ యూష్వల్ ఎన్నాళ్ళుంటదో చూడాలి మరి.

majaa aagaya

For the past few months, I've been flitting between two extremes of a certain dichotomy where I try to cut off completely from reading on my phone or computer, watching anything new, listening to any podcasts vs immersing myself extremely into those acts, desperately seeking anything that'll hold my attention for a while. For a week I do one with the first couple of days being super enjoyable until a nagging feeling starts cropping up. Slowly my mind keeps dropping hints at why the other way is the better way until I give in at the end of the week. And I don't give in apprehensively or gently but just jump right in and go cold turkey on the other. That works for a couple of days until the pattern starts repeating. So essentially what that means is that I delete and re-download apps like Evernote, Feedly, Pocket, Libby, PocketCasts etc. multiple times a year. It's bizarre how my mind seems to refuse to learn; also pathetic, exhausting and somewhat, a tiny bit, endearing. Should I just give in to each moment, reading, listening to, feeling, jotting down whatever I'm feeling or do I not let so many moments tyrranise me but transcend these ephemeral sensations and wait for something deeper, more profound, more long-living to approach me. Should I celebrate the atomicity of each individual sensation or desperately seek to extract as much utility from each of them for better narrativisation. Both those thoughts seem to desire the same thing though: clarity, adulation and the right kind of mental quiet.

Of all the sights and sounds and events of our 15-day long Japan trip, the most memorable has been the evening before our return when for an hour around dusk, after they'd closed the temple, Sravani and I sat amidst the crowds at Sensoji and she sang, among others, అందాల ఆమని, మనసౌనె ఓ రాధ, శ్రీ కృష్ణాయను, తెలిసిరామచింతనతో, మనసా వాచా. It was beautiful and like Meheranna writes in ముక్కు, I knew it was going to become a terrific memory right then. I've been thinking of that scene for the last one week and my feeling is that creating memories is also a conscious process, not in the sense that we literally create them but that its almost an involuntary, deeply honed habit (background job) akin to narrativisation that's constantly sifting through and rearranging scenes to create powerful versions. The memory-generating procedure, which in some ways is the act of telling stories to ourselves, follows certain aesthetic guidelines, and to be good they have to have strong images, settings and, most importantly, a certain kind of incongruity that makes them interesting enough to standout. And I sense that rather than create a scene around all the ramen or the bullet trains or the pop culture or the Shinto temples, which are rather obvious, a stronger impression is formed when one puts together a temple in Tokyo and తెలుగు లలిత గీతాలు.

Another interesting aspect for me is that that particular scene is not representative of the whole trip, we only did that once and our trip infact had lot of other touristy and personally exciting events, but acts more like a portal (metonym?) that then links to other aspects of the trip. For instance, when I think of our Italy trip, of all the wonderful sights, the key to opening that (imaginary) room is the evening ride from Ravello to Tramonti, and how I was overawed by the shade of light. And the single image from the Fiji trip is of my swimming laps in the 50m pool as light was fading and people were settling down for dinner amidst candles. Ofcourse, the more I conscisouly exalt them the more they're burnished but the question then becomes do they gain more power or lose all specificity and meaning (a version of semantic satiation).

I read two superb, and unexpectedly related, essays at work last Wednesday- One was Kathryn Schulz's piece on Carl Linnaeus in The New Yorker, and the other one was a long bookmarked essay in Daedalus called The Moral Economy of High-Tech Modernism. Both of them have to do with the link between how we theorise and classify the world, and how if that is only a convenient structure for us to understand or if infact we're discovering qualities that are inherent. Also, possibly owing to the stage of development we're in as a civilisation, both of them are not content with making these first-order remarks. They go on to ruminate about how our assumptions, biases and approaches then shape our own thinking thereby reflexing shaping the fields of enquiry further. While it is undoubtedly interesting, it is also an important question because a lot of our expecations of ourselves and others in our lives comes from the assumption that we're all playing certain roles and need to behave (and feel) in certain ways. But as everyone can attest to, more often than not those categorisations only put us in a straitjacket to curtain our freedoms, whims and erratic(!) behaviours. Which also explains why creating fundamental changes in society are so hard- we don't know what our roles and responsibilities are. And so it is imperative to keep investigating the categories we assign ourselves to.

My enjoyment and learning from both those essays was immensely compounded by a book I'd started reading earlier- Jonardon Ganeri's Philosophy in Classical India: The Proper Work of Reason. I've been reading Prof. Ganeri since discovering Peter Adamson's wonderful podcast History of Philosophy Without Any Gaps during Sydney's 2021 lockdown. While I haven't finished either of The Lost Age of Reason or Classical Indian Philosophy (nothing unusual there, I guess), their basic explanation of the Pramanas (ways of gaining knowledge: Perception, Inference, Analogy and Testimony) and that the six Astika schools being originally six methodologies for understanding and argument is one of the most basic tools (after a basic application of the Theory of Evolution) I use when I'm actively thinking of something. His clear elucidation that reason is a powerful tool that needs to be used judiciously, that Vitanda is the act of undermining the other's argument without being able to offer an alternative of one's own, and that one of the primary uses/ responsibilities of cognition is to be able to integrate the information coming from sensory organs with prior experience to gain a better understanding of reality and thus help one act better by extrapolating have been immensely clarifying. I found so much in common between his explanation and what I'd read in Prof. Anil Seth's Being You (the mind is an internal physiological state thermometer among other things) and Prof. Nicholas Humphrey's The Inner Eye (we look within to better understand how to understand, and predict, the behaviour of others).

Around the same time I discovered Prof. Amit Chaudhuri's super interesting talk called What Kind of Music Is This? In it he says that he wants to write a book with only opening paragraphs. He elaborates it with a simple example: Imagine a man sitting in a room. He's sitting at his desk and maybe looking out the window. It's not yet dawn and quiet, and he's looking out of the window lost in contemplation. And Prof. Chaudhuri says I want to stop there. Because in the second paragaraph the writer has to provide context and reasons to justify him sitting there thinking. The writer has to create a narrative which then has to follow one of the expectant paths, and can only deviate so much even when it wants to. But before that narrative takes over, the original scene of contemplation has immense possibilities. And that's where Prof. Chaudhuri wants to stop. From that opening salvo, he jumps into the differences between Western Music (where representation of an experience or a situation is the primary motive) and Hindustani Music (which does not worry about representation as much as chooses to create a space for something else). Its a somewhat challenging albeit invigorating talk.

Sravani and I also met Senator Mehreen Faruqi for coffee yesterday and she was lovely and super charming. We met her in June at a Greens event in Narrabeen and had been planning this coffee catchup since. I'll probably elaborate on that later.

Today I had a long, multi-hour, incredible conversation with Dheeraj where we tripped over Meheranna, Madhav garu, his upcoming book, Modi, desi reactions to Chandrayaan, Saagara Sangamam, Naipaul, growing old(er) among quite a few other things. We spoke for a bit about form, and both of us felt we had one or more epiphanic moments when trying to understand how we approach a book vs a facebook post vs reading a poem while scrolling online etc. and he said something beautiful- "కథ/ళ అంటే స్వయంప్రతిపత్తి ఉన్న ప్రపంచం ఉండాలె". That felt so true.

Meheranna's new book is coming out పండగహో!

P.S: How long has it been since I sat in the darkness at night and blogged listening to instrumental music - Only Lovers Left Alive and Amelie soundtracks.

P.P.S: Reg the title: Man, Kaala!!

on art and the artist

Do we create art? Or does divinity use us just as a vehicle to give the world that piece? Is that piece of art mine, or have I left a part of myself behind in the form of that piece? All I know is that art rises out of conflict. We are in a state of perpetual conflict between what-we-are and what-we-want-to-be and art exudes when that conflict reaches a certain threshold. Why do artists create? Why do they spend lifetimes shut in rooms waiting for inspiration to strike them? I will paraphrase George Orwell here who said that an artist creates for atleast one of the following reasons:

1. Sheer egoism
2. Aesthetic enthusiasm
3. Historical impulse
4. Political purpose

Do we create because we try to prove ourselves, or the world around us, or the future generations of our worth? Are we so scared of oblivion? Is it an inherent quality in us to appreciate beauty and so we make art out of that impulse? Are we trying to make sense of our life and times in the bigger context of life and divinity? Or are we just trying to change the world in a way that it orients itself to the world inside our heads?

"Beauty will save the world"- Dostoevsky

We claim that we are in pursuit of truth. We claim we philosophize to understand the inherent nature of human soul, its ability to differentiate between Good and Bad. But I think we neither care about Truth nor Ethics. Our lives revolve around Beauty. And in that pursuit if we stumble across the meaning of existence, so be it, but even otherwise, we will struggle to create a beautiful world. Or change our idea of beauty till it synchronizes with the state of the world. What is beauty? Is it symmetry, perfection? Why are scientists in search of the Unifying Theory of Everything? Our knowledge of it will not affect nature, or universe, or God, or whatever you wish to call it. We are in pursuit of balance, harmony, singularity because it holds an aesthetic value. We spend our entire lives searching for patterns because patterns are beautiful. Because chaos and disorder are not pleasing, they do not exhilarate us. Even when Jackson Pollock was painting those seemingly erratic paintings, he was in search of order underneath all that chaos. He was waiting for that signal to come deep within him that told him that the piece was complete. It was neither superfluous not wanting, but just right. In balance, in harmony. With who- The artist or nature?

-How do you know when you're finished with a painting?
-How do you know you're finished making love?
        -Pollock (2000)

Scientists are in search of truth. Philosophers are in search of ethics and the meaning of life. Artists are in search of aesthetics. The scientist says, "the world follows a pattern, I just have to discover it." The Philosopher says, "there is a meaning to all this, 'I' exist for a reason and I will reveal it." The artist says, "yes, we are here for a reason and there seems to be a bigger purpose behind all this and while I wait for that to dawn on me, I'll create something beautiful." We call Dostoevsky's Notes from the Underground dreadful, Lars Von Trier's Antichrist gut-wrenching but we still explore them because dreadful is beautiful, gut-wrenching is also beautiful. Not in the literal sense ofcourse, but beauty in the broad sense of the word. Appealing, enticing, intriguing. All that is enough motivation for creating art.

But again, what is art? Something that gives us pleasure, that broadens our horizons, that explores the grandeur of life, that teaches us how to live, that lets us enter someone else's soul, that burdens our hearts with infinite possibilities life has to offer? Art, I think, is anything that we want it to be. The shape of a leaf, rain on sea, the rhythm of a drumbeat, the juxtaposition of infinite colours in a rainbow, E=mc^2, Double Helix, Mona Lisa, Mahabharata, Sufi music, a perfectly timed backhand, the last line in One Hundred Years of Solitude. What isn't art? Now, how do we judge it? The good vs the eternal? Public Consensus, Mathematical Symmetry, Astounding Logic, Orginial Combination of parts to create an extremely Different Whole. What makes a Bach so special and another-now-forgotten-18th century musician not so much. How does public appreciation affect the artist? Does a lack of understanding during his time stifle a truly original voice?

Art, as I see it, is a man's response to his life's experiences. It is his way of paying tribute to all those things that have shaped him into who he is. That is probably why artists are voyagers, intellectual, emotional, spiritual. An artist travels to places no one ever has been only to come back and try to relive those experiences, to make sense of all that he's gone through, to tell the world what he's seen and learnt and what his idea of a perfect world is. I don't know what finished product constitutes as art. But I know that its creation makes the artist happy. That he trips with immense pleasure, sometimes the pleasure of pain, while creating it. He creates art only to see it create him all over again. When he finishes a piece of art, he sheds his skin, and all its accumulated experiences, to embrace a new one. The creation of art is what art is all about.

How justified is voyeurism?

It's been really long since I've sat down late at night and read anything to my heart's content. Since I've done it today, let me try breaking the jinx and hope I write a nice, good, long post. I know I keep on saying this all the time but there's really a lot to write about. Life's exciting as hell man, despite the dysfunctional servlets I write.

This has been in my head for a really long time now. Is it okay for you to do something wrong when nobody else is seeing you do it? For one, let's face it, everybody loves to voyeur around. Doesn't have to be anything that has got anything to do with masturbation; here I'm not just talking about the sexual interest but also can be gossiping about somebody else's life, about listening to conversations you are not supposed to, you know pretty much peeping through the keyhole. We love doing it. The prospect of crossing the line, entering forbidden territory excites us. And if you have the added advantage of doing this in mist, why wouldn't somebody want to do it. And two, voyeurism makes us hypocrites, which is but a sad consequence of the act. It gives us two faces, one the visible one and the other one shrouded in darkness. Fatefully, it was just today that I read Oscar Wilde's "Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth" in Suelette Dreyfus' Underground.

But that also gives us another edge to parry with. You cannot claim having seen or heard anything because in the first place you're not supposed to be doing it. So, there's mighty well no chance that even if somebody spies at you all the time, he cannot claim to have seen you do something. Now, that makes voyeurs 1. cowardly, because they know they're doing something wrong and so they hide and 2. mute spectators. So, I can safely claim now that voyeurism is an harmless act.

So, what is wrong with it? With somebody peeping into somebody else's room as long as they don't realize it and feel uncomfortable and are not disturbed by it. I'm there to see everything but I can't be seen. Fair. Does that mean voyeurism can be justified? I get the pleasure I seek for, the other person is ignorant about it and nobody else knows about this, how fair is that.

I don't know if it's Okay or not but what I know is that then we'll be breeding cowards in the society. Kids doing that is fine but grown-ups doing it is scared men who neither have the courage to admit what they're doing nor have the will to stop themselves. Cowards are not happy people, they're mere ghosts who are scared with the prospect of living. And imagine what a whole world of cowards would be like.

the need to achieve

This is a corollary of my previous post. That was accidental, this could be called one too but this isn't as instinctive. Anyway, I was snoozing in the car today, having eaten garam garam Rawa Dosa and I don't know what exactly was happening in my head but the thought process seems to have been related to Godel, Escher, Bach's Formal systems and around this beautiful concept of Autological words, the fallacy of formal languages and stuff.

Before, I proceed check this out. An autological sentence is something like, "This sentence has five words". Or, words like 'unhyphenated', 'descriptive' etc. An autological word or a sentence is something which is self referential, it talks about itself as well. And words which do not define themselves are known as heterological words, like, 'tasty', or 'incomplete'. Now, the loose bolt, or rather the inconsistency of it has been exploited by the Grelling's Paradox which says, "Is heterological heterological?" And as to why this has been stuck in my head is the reason that yesterday I thought about something and as is my habit, tried to explain all that in one sentence. So, in the end, I got this- I don't have to state because the right to state stems from the need to prove. What the sentence basically intends to say is that I don't want to be stating stuff because if I'm sure of what I'm about to say, then I don't to say it. But then since I'm stating that, does that mean I'm not confident of what I'm saying? I can't catch what exactly the connection is but it's been stuck in my head. Another example of such a sentence would be the classic, catchy "Change is permanent". What I believe this means is that in this system of the world we live in, just because something is popular or proclaimed, does not mean it is right. The whole system is centrally flawed in case all this is right. We've taken a sentence like Chance is Permanent, which is basically paradoxical and all wrong, and have turned it into a modern Zen saying for mortal insight.

Ok, this isn't why I started off this piece. I'm pretty messed up right now, so let me state it out and leave for the time being. We've all heard about the fickleness of life, it's unpredictability, జీవితం బుద్బుద్ధప్రాయము, about the need to get away from all these shackles because life is a spell cast over us, it's just a dream and you'll see the reality when you die. And I believe a lot of us believe that. So, don't earn like you're crazy, don't expect a lot from your kids, do Yoga and all that are basically the derivatives of those sayings. But then, if life's a dream and you'll get to see the reality anyway after you die, why the hurry in uncovering all that. What people are basically saying is, you're sleeping right now, this is all a dream, when you wake up (aka die), you'll get to see the reality. Then , why are we trying to achieve something? To have our name sculpted in stone, to achieve so much to live as immortal legends in the folklore, or sometimes philanthropically, to make the world a better place for the future generations. WTF! I don't know if there's a God and all but as long as I cannot trace the reason for my birth and this world's, I'll accept him. When there's a God and you're going to end up with him after you die anyway, where nothing, not how rich you are, not how many films you've made, not how many people came to your funeral and all that bullshit does not matter anyway, what is stopping us from having a good time. Is it because we are too scared to accept the frivolousness of our lives. Because if all this is a dream, then maybe I don't have to forgo my beer or cigarette to lead a "happier, longer life to the fullest" because even if you win the rat race, you're still a rat. What that sleep-dream-realize theory evidently tells us is that all we're doing now is wiling away time. How I do it is my call. And I don't have a reason to achieve anymore because it's all going to be same anyway, atleast for me, which funnily enough is all that I care for anymore.

If you think I'm being pessimistic here, for one, I don't believe in the whole concept of the word, think again. I'm not encouraging people here to dope their asses off and pee on streets. All I'm saying is, don't do something because something else has to be achieved. Because all that you're thinking you've achieved is crappy enough anyway, in the eyes of the great creator, so it wouldn't make much of a difference. And if you're planning to leave a legacy or a fortune, honestly, do you give a shit about your grandsons who aren't born yet and who might as well not.

I know every action has a consequence but the consequence should not motivate the action. Funnily enough, we live in such a capricious world where somebody, that's very sad though, has done the action and when he's waiting for the result, dies. Where does all that toiling crap go to? All I'm saying is, this moment, ask yourself what you want to do. If the answer is go to sleep, shut the computer down, close the gigantic book you've been reading, throwing the due project out of your head, grab a blanket, plug in Kandisa and go to sleep. If you die in your sleep, you'll atleast die a happy one.

Boy, I love that line in Khajuraho, "अनहद के आँगन में नाचे चंदा सितारे" .

The boundaries of infinity. Genius.

There is a continuation to this post. Check it out.

We, the people.

It's 11.44 now, అమ్మ's asleep and Boll Weevil's playing in my years. Everything set for a long post, a long list of revelations, complaints and questions. Ok, hang on, let me stop the song. I can't concentrate. Yea, I re-position my chair. Good now.

So what is it that I want to talk about. A lot of stuff. This line's been stuck in my head, looping over and over again since the last two days or so. First, I'll take it out of the system. You know, people talk about 'being human', about 'all those imperfections, little mistakes etc. which make us human', about 'admitting imperfections'. I spoke about such stuff. I was far too lost out in the cliched world and that was probably my resort to convince people that compromising is okay. Well, since I've said those words, I take them back now. If we are born human, and want to stay human, blushing about all those imperfections, then what is the whole purpose of our existence. I wrote this about two days ago, "they say if you try to be someone else, it's a waste of the person you are. if you die the man you were born, where is the whole purpose of your life. and what does it take to be the person you want to be?". Now, I take a step forward and say, there is no harm in aspiring for superhumanness and no glory in accepting compromise. I don't know why the system has changed so much. As తనికెళ్ళ భరణి was pointing out in an interview the other day, "ఒకప్పుడు మందు తాగటం అని చెప్పడానికి సిగ్గు పడేవాళ్ళు. ఇప్పుడు నలుగురిలో తాగకపోవడం అనాగరికం ఐపొఇన్ది". Why the pride in acknowledging weaknesses. Not that I do not do it, but here I'm also asking myself the same question. Not that people should be cowardly about it, but then shouldn't they atleast have the desire to overcome them. Correct all those they's into we's.

I'm not sure where I heard this, I'm guessing in కోతి కొమచ్చి audio samples but it flows truth. Hang on, let me listen to it again and transcribe it. Here it goes,
ఇవన్ని సరే గని, వీటన్నింటిని మించిన రుచి ఇంకోటి ఉంది. గడిచి పాయిన కష్టాల కథ, ఈదేసిన గోదారి, దాటేసిన గండం, తార్ రోడ్ మీద ఎండలో జోళ్ళు లేకుండా నడిచి నీడకు చేరి సేద తీరిన కళ్ళు, ఈ కష్టాలు అనుభవిస్తున్నపుడు బాధగానే ఉంటుంది గని, అవి దాటి పోయాక వాటిని తలుచుకోవడం, వినేవాళ్ళకి అనుభవాలుగా చెప్పడం, ఆ హాయికి కొత్త ఆవకాయ కూడ సాటి రాదు.

If writer's are those people who can make the heart of the readers beat faster, can make them pant, can make them tremble, can make them cry and can make them shag(though arguably making somebody masturbate is easiest of them all), then ముళ్ళపూడి వెంకటరమణ stands right up there. Something is wrong, I can't focus at all. I lack that purpose and focus to finish this post. Will do it tomorrow. Night.

--

3.19

Ok. I'm back. Was really sleepy yesterday. So, let me finish this post first. A lot of ideas came out today, I'm jotting them all down. Been one fruitful day today in terms of the spectrum of ideas I'm listening to from within. There's so much more to write in this post. So, let's say I chuck it, come back to it later. Till next time, read Cricinfo. I recently discovered their great trove of sportswriters.

And yea, before I forget, I got myself a big A3 size poster of Khajoor Road. GOD.

The freedom of imprisonment

That scene in Udaan in the end, where there is a chase sequence between the son and the father is one of the greatest in recent cinema. Seldom has my heart leapt out with joy for a fictional character and that is one of those instances. The first time I saw it among 300 people, I yelled out. And now, when I watched it alone, my heart soared high. That scene in a nutshell signifies the entire movie; that scene in itself a tribute to hope, freedom and life.

Udaan made me think. On one end, there's Lakshya, where though everybody believes in Karan, he himself doesn't. And on the other end, there's Rohan where he isn't allowed to be what he so firmly believes to be his destiny. I've seen it happen in a lot of cases. Personally, I see a lot of Lakshyas that Udaans. I don't know if it's the human mentality but given a lot of choice, it's very hard to find a converging point for all your thoughts. Infact, even in Lakshya, only when he had run out of all choices and was forced to bend down and break his back did he succeed. It's funny that the more freedom you get, the less you respect it. Like a lot of things in life. If imprisonment, slavery, captivity can drive you to frustration, so can a lot of freedom, free will and indecisiveness. Not just writing, any job, if has to be done well needs a disregard for everything else apart from that. That iron will to defy all the odds and say no matter what happens, I'm not leaving this task unfinished. And where does somebody learn that; that do or die attitude sprouts from a childhood which never was. Where all that matters is survival, survival of your dreams, survival of the you and that realization of what the most important thing in your life. And that is why I believe that greatness is a result of intense frustration, insecurity, a need to prove your mettle and a clenched jaw. Every great man has had an impetus early in life to prove something, to reach a higher pedestal of acceptance. And that is why well brought up, urban kids are so messed up. They do not have that driving force which would give them a sense of direction, a sense of achievement and the need to prove. Since parents already cocoon them in an environment of luxury, comfort and security, where the best act of the day is orgasm, actually going out and working hard becomes a pain in the arse. And no matter how talented you are, it is your attitude to working towards it makes you great. Like Einstein once said, "Its just that I sit with my problems longer." And since all that energy of youth has to come out through some source, it does as tempers on parents and girlfriends and an urge to break the law. This is the primary reason why affluent high school kids think breaking laws is cool.

You know, I talk about writing so much, talk about intellectuality, feel the need to appear a genius, the insecurity of proving the world that I'm a writer too because I don't spend a lot of time writing. I find it that talking about writing is what makes me more popular than actually making an effort to write down some worthy words. And that is because I don't have a need to prove to anyone what I'm like. Yeah, that's the word, complacency. And with Rohan in Udaan, he's all but complacent. When nothing is going right, you turn to the things you are confident about. And with people like me, things generally go right, so there is no need to spend time and energy mastering a craft. Quotes, beads, cigarettes, kurtas or diaries don't make you a writer. If you' re a writer good enough, all these things will automatically fall into place but craving for all these wouldn't make you a writer worth the paper you've written on. It's high time I write fiction. Non-fiction, or essays, as an art form are pretty easy. But when there is a story coming out, it takes all your creative energies, leaves you exhausted and eventually looking back, elated.

In search of the elusive truth

The world is a place of relative truths. There's nothing in life which is The Truth. Funnily enough, what was considered the One Big Truth ain't one big truth but one's Version of the big truth. As I write this, I'm asking myself how can there be so many truths? Probably, what we all see are different versions wherein one or none of them is the Truth. But before I talk about that, I first need to explain why in the first place I'm writing this.

All of us have faced this in life. Your best friend tells you something. Your girlfriend has a different version of it and the guy you've hated all your life has a whole different version, but which you think is the truest. Weird word that, ain't it. When Truth is the highest of them all, what's truer, and truest. Higher versions of the one truth. To hell, English is a very tricky language. Anyway, so who do you believe? We've all faced this situation and I, for the kind of a person I am, take whatever comes to me at that point of time and don't think a lot over it. I guess it was in a movie when I first heard, "Why think so much and complicate life?". Point boss.

Where were we. Yea, truth. I once read a Bradbury line which said, "Truth is momentary." That is what life is. Its this moment. And that is why I believe in the validity of life, that is only as long as you are really living in the moment. Boy, this is turning messy. I have no clarity as to what I'm saying but I'm not thinking now. I'm just writing. As I was saying earlier, what among this is the truth? I guess all of those versions is the Truth. Or rather, truths. Because none of what anyone says, or infact sees or hears firsthand, is not the truth. Because once it enters your impure mind, its lost its credibility.

All of what people are saying, no matter if they are taking oath by the Bhagwad Gita, are but the myriad versions of that One Elusive Truth. So, all we can do is consider what we believe in that precise moment to be true. The mind follows a pattern and if it considers one of all those truths to be the truest of them all, then it should indeed be true. I know this is a rather complicated post containing various, should I say, sizes of truth but then, think about it. Or if I was asking you to think, would I be contradicting myself?

That institution called Marriage

This is probably my most daring piece till date. Something which questions the basis of civilazition's oldest belief. This is about marriage. As I begin this piece, a voice inside me is yelling blasphemy as another voice which comes from deeper within urges me to start off. And so, I readjust my chair, take a deep breath and plunge in.

All my life, I have never seen a happy marriage. I know that's a bold statement to make but I'm ready to answer any questions in this regard. Because if the relationship between two people-of the opposite sex, about the same age, from a similar social background (now these are common attributes of a majority of marriages)- is based on enough trust and love(now that's another topic I'm addressing soon), then there is no need to, as they say, tie the knot. Marriage is but an agreement two people take when they believe that they cannot tolerate each other unless something of an external force is applied on them. And that is where, right at the beginning, comes the end.

I see this girl at a friend's party. She's beautiful. And so, me being just another guy, want to get closer to her. I charm her, I make her laugh and I impress her. Soon, we meet often. I propose to her. She accepts. We eat outside regularly, go to the movies together and socialize together. Two 'I's become a We. Meanwhile, we grow closer. Understand each other's idiosyncrasies and tolerate mood swings. We have quarrels too but both of us know how much we mean to each other. And then suddenly she says we should marry. I ask, "Why?", with full knowledge of the suddenness of the question. Initially, she thinks its a joke. And then when she finds me serious, she grows surprised. And then, she's pissed. And all this while, she still doesn't reply to my question. So, I press her. She calls me a cold, psychotic B______. But somehow, I still can't find my answer among all this. She starts getting away from me, giving me the cold shoulder and crying out in her friends' arms. When I pose the same question to my friends, they call me a total nutcase and when on a high, give me what every honourable man gives his friends- A very valuable piece of advice, "Don't complicate things mate. You like her. She likes you. So, what is the problem?". I ask them the same question, what is the problem now for us get married. Now there's two options I have. Either readjust my ideas, convince myself, listen to everyone and get married. Or, stand by myself, take in all that's being given and risk losing the woman of my dreams.

Now, I realised midway that the above story has a lot of resemblance to Trivikram's Swayamvaram. Infact, the story of any one man against the rest of human civilization is like that. Either give in or risk losing everything. The hero in that movie gave in. Howard Roark did not. Anyway, I ask you the same question. We are happy like this. So then why legalize the bond?

There are two response I anticipate. One, is the security lest suddenly one day one(read male) of them suddenly disappears(Can either mean just wants to get out of the relationship or likes someone else). And two, so that the relationship is acceptable by the society. I know that even before I argue against those two points, you already know the answers. See, the entire system of ours is so fragile. Now coming to case one. What difference would it make to me if I'm married but still like someone else. I'd still be unhappy with the person I am. You may argue that it is here that sense of duty or loyalty come into picture but if you need a piece of paper, or a wedding ring or a chain around your neck to remind you of such things, think again. Because the moment I decide this woman isn't for me or I can't take this anymore, none of that bullshit matters. And now to case two. If you want the society's license to live together, go around together or have sex, what the fuck are you living for.

I have seen many unhappy marriages. And in most cases, the couple decides to live together for their children. So, should they have kids only after being sure that they'd stay happy together. You never know when love's born again. You may fall in love with a woman after 20 years of marriage. In that case, would you rather hide your true intentions, pretend infront of the society but still blame your spouse for this situation you are in. In that case, wouldn't it be better to just break it, live with someone else if that makes you happy but make sure that kids are taken care of, because their birth is your fault. Instead of cribbing together for entire lives, better to live different lives in peace. I once wrote about a Cue shot that its beauty lies in its idea than in its implementation. Similary, purity of a being lies in his thoughts, not in his actions. If you have performed the sin in your thoughts but pretend to be chaste physically, there's no point in it. Because men who love their wives never even dream about another woman. If you've done it, reassess your relationships. I believe that for any man, she is the most beautiful woman in the world who he is in love with. He doesn't have to fantasize about anyone else. He just doesn't. Because if Love is True, then those men who Love are True too.

If I love a woman, I'd live with her. I'd keep her happy. I'd make her feel special. Nothing voluntary. All that just happens. But then the day I believe I can't do full justice to her and her Love, I'll talk to her and get out of it instead of pretending that I love her. And as long as I love her, I'd be loyal, patient, loving and flirtatous. But I'd never need a piece of paper to tell me what to do and what not to.

I always tell people, "You love once, you love forever." I guess you get the point.

Never Stereotype Yourself

That's the line I coined for myself ages ago. Was a graffiti in my journal once. Just came back from Saroornagar katta. That's the new adda now. Been spending a lot of time there. The calmness of the lake, the darkness engulfing it and the cool breeze flowing through my hair. Not to mention the trash dumped at the banks and little kids selling cigarettes.

Anyway, this isn't about that. This is about the image we have in the society. Nope, I'm not talking about what someone else thinks about you. I'm talking about what you want that someone else to think about you. That false being within you who you want to be, to be portrayed as cool, clever or arrogant. Get what I'm talking about? Kurt Cobain once said, "Trying to be someone else is such a waste of the person you are." I love that. But its very hard to actually follow it. There's always something in someone which you find so captivating that you wish you had that quality. And after a point of time, without you realising it, you kill the voice in yourself and try imbibing that. There's no bigger sin than that. Throwing away yourself for someone else. There's a difference between being and trying to be something. Being, like all matters of the heart, comes deep from within.

And it is also important not be fixed as something. To be stereotyped. If you are the coolest, most popular guy in the college, the pressure to remain that is so overwhelming that involuntarily, you crush a lot of your feelings. What would they think if they see me with this unpopular girl? People think I'm cool and all, so maybe I should smoke to retain that image? Shit! that guy just saw me walking out of the library, what if he tells everyone else. To hell with everyone else. You want to talk to the girl, don't let anyone stop you. You don't have to smoke to join the 'Coolest Guys' club and for God's sake if you want to read something, go to the library and find the damn book. The problem with being hailed a genius is that you are scared to ask questions, keeping to yourself most of the time and worrying about being the 'know-it-all'. You can never be the know it all and the worst mistake you can ever do after having an image is trying to keep it. Its something analogous to being a leader. I read somewhere that the first pre-requisite of being a great leader is never being bothered about being one. Once you are ready to play second fiddle to anyone, you'd be less paranoid and would concentrate more on the work you are supposed to do.

That's all I've got to say. Never fight for that elusive image and never wish to be hailed as something because that is what you've always wanted to be. Being stereotyped is the biggest curse of them all. Get unpredictable, ask questions and most importantly, listen only to your heart.

Seabiscuit

Behold! What better than the sight of an unconquered stallion, with its mane flowing, running in the open grasslands with the sun shining on its bare body and wind trying to keep up with it. I named this piece Seabiscuit for the lack of a better idea. Because it was Seabiscuit who inspired me to know more about horses and taught me that freedom of the self is the most important virtue in the world. And now, I breathe in. I read the book about a fortnight ago and loved it so much that I finished it in about 2 days. I hadn't seen the film, had no clue what the story would be but then thanks to Laura Hillenbrand, now I'm love with horses. I saw the film today and I'm forced to write this. To the running spirit in all horses.

"Its not about what you were born as, but what you have it in you to be." I've heard various versions of this line a lot of times. But not until I read the book did I realise its essence. Wait a sec, Before I talk about this, I'll tell you something about him. Seabiscuit is considered the greatest racing horse in the history of mankind. During the Great Depression era, he gave all the Americans a hope that no matter how worse things look, there's always a chance to get the better of it. Born to one of the greatest racehorses of all time, Man O' War, who supposedly looked royal, huge and almost perfect, Seabiscuit looked nothing like him. He was small, lazy and walked like a cripple. But then, there's this beautiful scene in the movie when his trainer says to his jockey, "They screwed him up so much that he's forgotten that he's a horse. Remind him why he's born for. Make him Run free." Its about the spirit that could not be broken. I don't know why I can't write anything. Its just that I'm on a high.

I think I'm a romanticist. I tend to go over the top. I glorify things because I know only when someone has the courage to dream the impossible, does he have the will to stand up to it. I just made that up. There's so much I want to express but I cannot. I mean look at Tom Smith. He doesn't need no fame, no money, nothing at all. Give him horses and he'd be content talking to them forever. At one time he says about an injured horse, "You don't throw away your life just 'cause it's banged up a little bit." That's the kind of love I'm talking about. To find out what you are born to do and go against all odds to achieve it. The most I love about Seabiscuit is that mad streak in him. He does something only because he wants to. Not because he's supposed to, not because he's forced to. And that is why everytime he looks another horse in the eye, he challenges himself to beat him. Because Seabiscuit doesn't know what he cannot do. He isn't bothered about the impossible. All he knows is that he wants to run and run faster than any horse he can lay his eyes on.

I think I know why he was dubbed as the American Legend. Because he raised hopes of millions of people. There comes a time in everyone's life when they doubt their abilities, their aspirations, their dreams and tend to lose themselves in that dark abyss. Your spirit seems to cripple beneath that burden. And at that point of time, all you want is one external spark to reignite the fire within. To get you out of that misery. To give you that ray of hope. To get you back into the race. To give you the courage that no matter how far behind you are in a race, there is always a chance to win it.

To Hope. To Freedom. And to the sound of hooves on the greenest of partures.

awaiting the doomsday

7th December 2009

High time this piece gets started. I wanted to write about this ages ago but never started it. You know the 2012 phenomenon don't you. Doomsday/Judgement Day/The End, ofcourse you've heard about it. I don't give a damn if that's the last day or not. Today could be your last, this breathe might be your end, and this moment may put you to rest. So, why think about it? But I await the doomsday for other reasons.

"Shit! Today's 1st. 30 days more for my paycheck."
"Sir, I suggest this Insurance scheme because 40 years from now, when you retire, it'll give you a happy life."
"I need to top this exam. Dad promised me a watch."
"A couple of more dates and then I can propose."
"Two more years and we are ready for the baby."

We've said or heard all these at some point in our lives. I read somewhere that the unconventionality of one generation is the wisdom of the next. We've been bearing the burden of hundreds of generations of our ancestors and its high time we start over again. Let me explain. No matter how much we say we have changed from the first homo sapiens that walked this Earth, no matter how different we may look and think, we feel almost the same way. And that because the ability to feel that way has always been carried form one generation to another. The basic instinct of a human has never changed. Our core emotions, values,insecurities, madness has been the same.

But what has changed are the times. And due that everything has been concocted. The upper layers of our existence have been modified beyond recognition but since the base is yet the same, we are, to put it bluntly, screwed. The humans, like all the beings on the planet, weren't supposed to be these many. According to God's plan, I can only predict, whenever the population of one kind of a being increases, (and according to Darwin too) due to some or the other factor it has to be brought to its optimum quantity. Remember the Bio-cycle? CO2-Plant-Herbivore-Carnivore-Man-CO2-Plant-Herbivore- and so on and so forth.

But then being the miraculous species that we are, we managed to defy nature's rule and desperately chased immortality. Thatha always used to tell me that catastrophes are but God's remainders that we are just a part of the bigger plan and we shouldn't try to act God. Obviously, he'd/she'd be worried if someone was fighting for his/her seat. But then we always ignored the signs. Atleast until Al Gore decided to make The Inconvenient Truth.

But I don't want the World to come to an end just because of this. I know we don't deserve to live on this planet after ravaging her so much but then being the selfish humans we are, I look back and pity the human race and the concept of society and man being a social being and all. I think I've talked about the Intricate Web of Human existence or maybe I thought I'd write about it. Cynics may tell us that all of us deserve it for our actions and its time we repent. But I'm not blaming no one. It both amuses me and evokes pity. Amuses me because How could we ever imagine getting away with all the shit we've piled up and fills me with sadness because it isn't just our fault. We couldn't get the bigger picture. We were never supposed to.

We have thousands of pages of literature written on the human quest for Truth and its pursuit of utter simplicity. And the inevitability of death. But then millions of pages written how to prolong life and plan for the years to come. It makes me smile. We might be run down by a truck today, can be burnt or be frozen to death, or we might simply run out of oxygen. No, I'm not being cynical. I'm just telling you the unpredictability of the next moment and instead of living in what maybe our last minute of existence, we are bothered about where we might be buried and who should get the majority of our accumulated wealth. OMG! I think it was Einstein who said, "The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits." Honestly, how dumb can we get.

I was a part of this system, this society too. Or maybe I still am. But then shouldn't we be doing something because we want to do it instead of what we may get at the end of it. 'If you live everyday of your life like its your last, one day you will be correct.' Write the exam for the heck of it instead of the result. Go to the office because you like the work, not the paycheck at the end of the month. I can't believe I'm saying this but something Rancho says has a lot of sense- Do the work you love doing. And then you wouldn't have to bother about what is to come because every moment you are living for the sake of it. I'm not being able to put this properly but I hope you get the point.

The system which we live in, and here I refer to the state of mind as the system, has been so messed up with that if we don't have an incentive visible for every action, we are never doing it. How long has it been since you've done something for the heck of it. I might've said fun or satisfaction but then they'd be incentives too. All I'm saying is we need to stop living either in the past or the future. If I'm planting a tree, I'm not doing it so that I can eat its fruit ages later. No, not because I'm trying to make the World a better place. And not even because I like doing it. Simply put, I'm planting a tree right here, right now because I'm supposed to do it. As I'm writing this, somewhere in the back of my mind, a process is running which makes me think as to how you might react when you read this. But I'm trying to submerge it because I'm writing this not for anyone else, not even for me but because I'm supposed to.

Is that destiny then? I don't know. I don't mind looking at it that way though. Some people find it discomforting to believe that their life is being controlled by higher Purpose and that they are just a part of the huge gameplan. Infact, I think making them think that way is also a part of the plan. If I can be a little harsh, to all you people who don't want to believe in the prospect of destiny, how can you believe that your life is in your hands when you are neither born nor will die when you decide. Let me clarify that I'm not being a pessimist here. I'm not telling you that a man cannot rise to whatever he wants to.

Infact, the reason we dream, we hope and fight for that better cause is also a part of our destiny. You want to be next SRK and you have the courage to dream of it, that in itself is a testimony that you have it in you to be that. But then living every moment by itself and doing what we are supposed to will lead us there. When man grew out of his animal like behaviour, living in search of the next meal, the signs came(remember Ice Age?). Once we started storing food and started taking our own world's with us(started living in our own heads), we lost connection with the real world. I want all of us to be like we were earlier. I want all of us to start afresh. I want that day. And I call that day, the D Day. But for those of you who are suckers for happy endings, I'd call it the E Day. Is that the Enlightenment Day?

Fuck the asshole who invented the Television

I could've used far worser words but the fact that my mum would be reading this has made me use milder language. Anyway, I do not know who invented the TV, but whoever be it, how I wish I could've strangled him to death. Now, as to why I wish to do that.

There are mainly two reasons. One, it makes people dumber. And two, it leaves people with no family time. Before I proceed further about the case in point, let me tell you what happens in my house everyday. Ammamma and Thatha wake up at about 5.30 in the morning. And the TV is always on except those times when they are asleep or something. Infact, they have changed their sleeping patterns so that they would not miss their beloved TV serials. Not that I'm any better. Whenever Amma wants to talk to me, I am busy watching TV and when I'm jobless, instead of doing something creative, I sleep on the couch and skip the channels half asleep. Screw Radaan Radhika, Balaji Ekta Kapoor and MTV.

I know, I know. We aren't being forced to watch all the stuff they telecast. But no matter how much we vow to ourselves not to watch it, we inevitable waste loads and loads of time watching TV. It is just so human. And when I told my Amma about this, she was like sometimes its useful, especially news channels and Discovery and stuff. That would've been true if the internet wasn't so prevalent. Now we have everything on our monitor screens, be it wildlife documentaries, music videos or for that matter even soaps.

The TV makes all of us dumb. Infact, I'm just reminded of this Steve Jobs line which I read like ages ago- "When you're young, you look at television and think, There's a conspiracy. The networks have conspired to dumb us down. But when you get a little older, you realize that's not true. The networks are in business to give people exactly what they want. That's a far more depressing thought. Conspiracy is optimistic! You can shoot the bastards! We can have a revolution! But the networks are really in business to give people what they want. It's the truth." But I wouldn't agree with Steve that they give us what we want. No. The 'Creative Heads' of all news channels are far more intelligent people than all of us and so they cleverly disguise what they give to be what we want. Anyway, when you are watching TV, you are passive. Not like when you are watching a movie in a theatre. Unless the movie is so very worthless that you'd spare a headache, somewhere deep inside we know that we have paid money to watch it because it looks as if we might like it. So, we are far more active in a theatre than infront of a TV. With the innumerable channels available and newer kinds of shows cropping up all the time, no matter we like it or not, we watch it. Fuck all these miserable urban lives where the only place where a person is confident of his life is on his couch, skipping channels and boozing.

And two,if you can't make out from that anecdote I gave, we, in our family, barely talk to each other unless we are compelled to, lest we miss the programme on TV. Infact I'm really ashamed at the number of times when I yelled at Amma or my girl for the sake of TV. The TV, which at one point of time, was a family member and watching it was a social activity has now eaten up into our families and everyone in the family has their own allocated times and shows to watch. Where is this civilization going?

You may ask me how a computer is any better? True, a computer too is invading into the personal space of people and more often than not it is their one tool to confront the world. But hey, the best part of a computer is that it works on your whims and you can pause anything you are watching. And a computer orders active participation of the user. So, in that way, it is much much better than the goddamn TV.

One day, when I'll have a house and a family of my own, I'll make sure that there would be no TV in the house. I don't want my family to be preoccupied with disgusting reality shows and never-ending soaps. It will make my house a much, much better place to talk, share, bond and live in.

Guilt

Guilt, probably, is the worst of human emotions. It, unlike the other emotions, eats a person from inside until he is barely a shadow of his previous self. Guilt is the most powerful of the human emotions, beyond grief and surpassing shame. It is the feeling which can never be digested completely, cannot be shared and neither can ever be forgotten. It creeps like a shadow behind us and strikes us at the most unexpected of times.

Guilt and Shame go hand in hand. And it is shame which makes guilt worse. The difference between Shame and Guilt, on the surface is nothing but there exists a difference of world's between them. Shame is the feeling when something is done, which shouldn't be done and when you are caught in the act. Guilt is the feeling when something is done, which shouldn't be done and when you are not caught in the act. Shame is because of the outside world but guilt, on the other hand, is in the self. Shame comes from punishment. Guilt comes from forgiveness, or rather the inability to forgive oneself.

And that is precisely why guilt is sharper than shame. When you are caught doing something wrong, you get into a defensive mode and try to protect or forgive yourself. Lets say, you try to steal something and are caught in the process. You are punished for it but still you are far too ashamed of your act to act normally in the public. You find yourself inferior in the eyes of others for the act and this makes you not a part of being in the public. And guilt is a wound far too deep into yourself for your deeds. Lets take the same example of you stealing something but this time around you aren't caught. No one knows about your fault and even those who know forgive you for whatever you have done. That feeling hurts more than being punished. Being forgiven is probably the biggest curse that can be inflicted upon humans. It makes them feel guilty about their actions and also does not give them a chance to transfer their pain onto someone else. So, all that they can do is stab themselves with the dagger called Shame and which has been sharpened by Guilt.

It isn't that hard being an outcast in the society but it is not at all easy being an outcast of oneself. Those times when you hate yourself for whatever you have done, when no one punished you because they love you far too much for it and when you can't forgive yourself because you have broken your loved one's trust, their belief or their heart are the darkest moments of anyone's life.

And guilt has no remedies. You cannot take back your mistake once you have committed it and you can never forget it. The ancient law says that murder and infidelity have no punishments. Because the acts in themselves are prisons for the convicts. Any other crime can be punishable but when a person takes another person's life or breaks another person's heart, the person has dawned upon himself, Hell. He, who hath committed the sin has entered the darkest of the prisons of his mind and he knows he cannot payback for his actions.

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Guilt is that horrible feeling in your stomach and that stabbing pain in your heart when you know someone else is suffering for your faults.

Procrastination

Procrastination...Yeah, I know its a heavy term. Procrastination is defined as the feeling to put off things till another day or time. More than anything else, this hampers the growth of a person. "I'll do it tomorrow", "Oh! there is all the time in the world to do this", "I'm in no mood to do this right now" are some of the favourite lines of people who procrastinate. Trust me, I am(or rather was) one among them :D.

Why do people procrastinate? Why do they want to put off things although they know that its going to do them more harm than good? And why do people think there is a better time to do something other than "now"? Putting things off to some other time is a drug. And once you get used to it, no matter how hard you try, you can't get over it. You procrastinate the urge to overcome procrastination ;).

They say, there are three ways to tackle a problem- Figure out how to climb it, go through it, or work around it. You can't run away from the problem all the time. At some point of time, you have to realise that you have to tackle it. And even if you manage to run away from it , your victory won't be as great as it would be if you go through it. When you want to do something, don't put it off for the next day. Wanting to do something means that your mind is energetic and excited about the prospect of working but your body isn't co-operating. Just beat the body and tell him who the boss is.

Let's say you want to write a piece of poetry late night and you want to wake up and start writing it. But your numb body says, not today buddy, tomorrow morning. Just don't listen to it. Because you'll get a great amount of pleasure if you write that bit of poetry then, no matter how frivolous it maybe. Because you never know what's going to happen the next day. You have an exam tomorrow and have to study for it. Your body says, no not now. The weather's so good and its high time you enjoy it. Both of us know that it isn't about the weather but just because you are too lazy to go and pick up your boring books. And although you won't go and study, you'll have a nagging feeling all day that you should've done it. But if you go and finish your work, you'll feel really good about it.

Procrastination is a sign of losers. When you can't concentrate your energies on the task at hand and try convincing yourself either that it isn't important or you can do it any other time, you are going nowhere. Winners are winners because of their Commitment. Just because they can put their worries, problems and temptations aside and perform the task, they are winners. And the feeling of achieving something is far, far greater than the pleasure attained by all those trivial temptations.

So, folks! beat your laziness, get up, brace yourself and be a winner. I know, most of those people who know me must be laughing their heads off for whatever I said. They have a right to say that for whatever I've been. But as I said, I'm going to say nothing against them. All I can do is DO :D.


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Procrastination is reading this page when you have a huge report due tomorrow.