Friday, August 10, 2018

want to blog more often

I ought to blog more often. Without the edges polished. Even if only to document thoughts and feelings. Even when I don't really have anything useful to say. Even when I worry about how all this inferior stuff will be perceived after I become a serious, successful artist. Even when I know atleast a few people are reading this. Even at the cost of "spending" important material that could later be converted to critically acclaimed pieces. To write without agenda, to write without self-consciousness, to write without the need to create an image or prove a point. To write and post it up here instead of carefully safeguarding thoughts and ideas in notebooks and Evernote.

I've never been a writer. I guess I'm now less enamoured with the title than I was a few years ago but the progression is something like this: earlier, I used to write. Then once I started thinking I was a writer, I almost stopped writing. Now I want to go back to enjoying the experience of just typing what's going in my head. It is so easy to get lost in labels. No wonder the past gets harder to break out of especially since we insist on holding it tighter and tighter. I created all these rules for myself, on how to be and behave based on what I was like at some point in the past, and soon forgot that they were just arbitrary. They need not be set in concrete. Imagination, knowledge, wisdom, intelligence, awareness, enlightenment, grace, culture. What do I really know about these words that I long for. God man did I create a prison.

I know I have backpain and I know doing Yoga regularly will cure it. I've been using that as a springboard to write my last few columns on the nature of discipline, well-being, freewill, karmic residues, societal obligation and other fancy terms. I pick quotes from celebrityland to build a fragile, delicate structure and then try to imbibe it into my being. Then while delicately poised on that, I try to build more elaborate structures that are impossible to maintain because of their weak foundations.

I just want to be free from this thick-walled, awkward fort I've built around myself and standing atop which I view the world. I want to be free from this unremitting need to identify the meta-narrative of my life, from feeling as though I'm the protagonist of this story. I talk about the ego, the thinking mind, postmodernism, alienation, spirituality, economics as if I know anything about anything. I don't really. I just seem to be making this up based on where I live in spacetime. There is nothing sacred about any of my opinions and god do I have many of them. Living is such a fluidic enterprise and I'm hellbent on building a cathedral on the surface of a mighty river.

Maybe I should swim around, read poetry, take a hike, savour the fruit, reduce someone's suffering if I can. Words and reason seem like a very small part of what it means to be alive. To function in other dimensions, I must be willing to unchain myself from one. I genuinely don't know what the previous sentence means.

I can only be honest and open; Luckily, now, I know what that means.

1 comment:

dheeraj kashyap said...

I wish you all the best :)