am I a wannabe?

I don't know. I really don't know if I'm a wannabe. I have this habit of identifying myself with the protagonist of any movie or a book I like. Its like I want to imbibe all those characters and turn out to be somebody I get inspired with. But the problem is that mania lasts only till I'm done with that story. Once I move onto another book or a movie, my idealogies change and I aspire to be a different person all together.

And if this sort of experience happens often, at one point of time you don't realise the difference between the Real You and the Wannabe You. And not just fictious characters, I connect a lot with real-life people I've read about or those people I know. And another problem that crops up is that as long as I'm reading this book, I decide that I'm going to be like this all my life. I stereotype myself into that mould. But once I move on, I'm done with that guy or I hybrid more than one people and I try being that.

And I'll tell you what, this looks really trivial but its etched very deep. And I shift positions so fast according to my will that I've been running away all my life, from myself. Lets say I really like Tiger Woods, the way he plays, so I enroll myself in a Golf class. The basics are pretty easy and I dream about being the next big thing on the Course. But as the going gets tougher, as it is bound to be, I realise Michael Jordan is cooler than Woods and I drop-out of Golf classes and enroll myself in BasketBall classes. And that doesn't stop there, I read about MJ as much as I can and now my room is full with BasketBall merchandise. Now one day I'm flipping channels on the tv and I come across someone playing awesome tennis. Gone! MJ's gone out of my head. Now, its a crossbreed of Rafa and Roger that I want to be. And trust me folks, that is a Huge, Huge problem- This kind of attitude.

I've been doing this over and over again for the past 5-6 years and now I stand in a position where I don't know what I am and I don't know what I want to be. Initially, I thought I was just a kid trying to find something he loves. Then as I realised the problems got deeper, I convinced myself that I'm a wannabe and being a wannabe upto certain extent is fine. But now I realise, I'm not even a wannabe. I thought this was Identity Crisis. No, I have an Attitude Disorder. In my madness to convince myself that I'm a genius, 'I' got lost somewhere in the way. I also know how to help myself but I just can't. I know I'm speaking like a loser but that is what I think I have been all my life. I'll give you a few instances of my life.

I came across Steve Jobs and that struck me. I wanted to have his kind of mad beard, drop-out of college, go in search of spiritual masters and then probably...(no idea). Then came The Alchemist and I wanted to drop-out and go in search of my destiny. I should have. Nothing could have stopped me if I really wanted to. But then I find myself an excuse for not being able to do that. Then I read about Da Vinci and for the next 3 days, I'm mad drawing my own Vitruvian Man. But then I realise this is tough, so I find for other means to escape from this. This time its the pattern of Prime Numbers. A week later, Snookers. And then, a Writer-a Filmmaker-an AIESEC volunteer-get into MIT...and the list goes on.

I realized what my problem was sometime ago but I still can't(or won't) cure it. I have my list of priorities but I'm far too lazy to work on them and so I find lame excuses telling people about destiny, will and wish. Screw me. I know I need to get good marks to keep amma happy, and in that process I'll learn something myself. But I'm so very lazy to bend my back and toil. I convince myself that if I can't do something instantaneously, I wasn't born for it. I have never ever known, what people call, the Sweet Taste of Success. Of giving more than 100% and then lie down exhausted but happy because you know you have made it. Damn, I don't even know what people mean by Success.

I've been running away all my life because whenever something seems tough, I just can't do it. I preach people about the ability of mind, doing whatever you want to and stuff, but heck, I never applied it myself. Its high time I bend my back, work hard, give more than 100% and then experience what till now I thought I new, Satisfaction. I see successful people and identify myself with them I see where they started, and where they end up. But I ignore all that work they had to put in to be whatever they are now. Its like I see Rafael Nadal as a skinny 14-year old skinny teenager then in the next moment he is that super-successful amazing tennis star. That is why it is so tough for me to realise the huge amount of hardwork put in by him where he was forced to beat his luck, karma or whatever, to believe in himself and be whatever he is right now. As Dhruti puts it, I can't be Steve and I don't want to be myself. That is where I dangle.

I don't think I'm a wannabe. I really like doing a lot many things, I really like believing that I'm a real polymath but in the face of a challenge, I run. I've been running so much that now I can't believe that I have it in me, the courage to Fight. The courage to Toil hard. And the courage to believe in the face of adversary that come what may, I'm not Running away anymore.