Thursday, October 22, 2009

why am I such a coward?

High time to be rude to myself. Just finished reading 2 States, Chetan Bhagat's latest and the question I've been cowering to answer all these years hits me back with vengeance. Why am I such a coward? Or am I so freaking lazy that I don't really care? I suppose a bit of both but predominantly the latter.

Before we actually broke up, my girl wanted me to meet her, to solve things out. I knew then that things would be worse if I didn't talk to her then but for one, I really didn't care and was too lazy to move my ass and two, I didn't even bother telling her that I wouldn't be there at the appointed time. That got her super pissed-off and hurt as she was, that formed a lethal combination.

That week I learned the gravity of my mistakes and I did stop procrastinating and go meet her but I was far too lazy to wait for her for more 15 minutes. Luckily as I was leaving, she came down and we had a 5 minute chat with what went wrong. It wasn't a chat really. She wanted to hear it all. She wanted an earned apology, a reassurance that I really loved her and a promise that I'd really change. That's it. Something every girl wants. And unsurprisingly, I couldn't deliver the goods. I'm a bad marketer but that's no excuse not being able to convince your girlfriend for more than two years.

Anyway, she's really angry and I can't make a point. So, I decide to meet her in a few days but instead I'm happy home telling people that I've earned this and sporting the unshaven drug addict look. Finally I go to her office a fortnight later and she tells me something I'd known all along, "I'm glad you are here but you should've been here earlier. Sorry, too late". Holy crap, that blew me away. One thing to know you are a moron. But when someone else calls you that, it makes you feel worse. And if that someone is your girlfriend who's been through your thick and thin for more than two years, that hurts as hell.

So, I return home and switch to the depressed mode which is always on-off. Initially, I called her quite a lot but soon I started calling her infrequently, only when I remembered her a lot and that too half-heartedly. I know this sounds strange but I'm not really prone to emotion for a long time. I mean I'm kind of numb to emotions. Not James Bond type but its like I get bored being happy, or sad, or angry or whatever for a long time. I wouldn't even say bored. It just happens somehow. Instinctively. I suppose initially it was voluntary because I wanted to be different from other people or something like that. You know, kind of psychotic, like when everyone's happy, I grow cynical and when they are sad, I try cheering them up. Anything for them to acknowledge me being different. But I suppose I was more like that, from the beginning. My brain tends to find differences from the general, the conventional. Now looking back, I'm really ashamed at those moments when she had to cry when I ruined her special days like birthdays and anniversaries. And for someone who valued special days so much, I think whatever I did has left a lasting impact. Fuck me.

Honestly, I didn't even know I loved her so much until she stopped loving me. And trust me, that's big. I know how much she loved me. And I suppose she still does though that has now been deeply covered under layers of hatred and disgust. I still believe that she can never cease to love me. Not my girl. She is the best. Someone so good you'll never find. She's smart, gorgeous, loving, caring, social and a true sweetheart. I know, the acknowledgement of the truth came a tad too late. No, honestly. Staying with a bugger like me for more than 2 years is in itself a huge test of her character. Managing me, atleast those two years, was no mean task. I was a filthy concoction of Jack Kerouac, Rabbi Shergill, Steve Jobs, Farhan Akhtar and I suppose atleast a dozen other people. I yelled at people, got pissed off at them, mocked them, mind you all those people who loved me because I was too lazy to be doing what I was supposed to. I wanted to be a lot of things but I was too lazy to work to be those things.

Anyway, my calls to her start thinning away but my thoughts go back to her more often. Coming over a breakup is no mean task, even for insensitive assholes like me. And then one day she calls me out of the blue to return something that belongs to me and then I ask her if we could be friends again. She says yes, I message her twice about her brother's marriage and she replies but whenever I try talking about her or us, she doesn't reply. And then she writes about how I broke her heart in her blog and I comment saying maybe I deserve another chance. That's it. She gets frenzied up again and shuns all contact from me and messages me to stop in interfering her life.

Why am I saying you folks all this, all of you who are expecting a confession from me? Because only after all this happened, did I start realising all the stuff I just wrote about. After all those deep and insightful conversations with Dhruti-Sid, Ani, Varun, Sravani, Deekshit and loads of others, I've learned quite a lot of things. Have I changed, then, you ask? I think I have. Obviously, every incident in your life affects you somehow but I guess this can safely fall into the category of life-changing. I'm still as lazy and impractical but now I care for people, respect their opinions, give them their space, listen to negative criticisms about me and well, a lot of little things here and there. Thanks to all my friends. But I haven't confronted her all these months, after May. Some people told me to give her sometime, some space. Some told me to cash in early. And some, now tell me that its too late now, I should have reacted sooner.

Tell you what, I'm not much of a coward. I mean I run away from a lot of things but mostly its not because I cannot confront them but because I'm very lazy to be bothered about them. I procrastinate solving my life's problems so much, probably in hope that they'd be solved by divine intervention. You know what's still worse, I know I need to act and that too I postpone. Ptch! Never thought being lazy could screw your life up so badly. I should have gone and met her personally. But I found sitting home and mourning easier. So, I did that.

I'm a nice guy and all that, really sweet and charming too not to mention intelligent(sorry for the immodesty folks) but I'm all that when I'm home. Pity I didn't marry my girl the day I saw her. Then she'd be home and I could be sweet, loving, caring, charming and all that I mentioned above. But honestly, one chance to redeem all that I've lost and I'll be the best guy ever. I've learnt my lesson sweetheart.

But only if God gives me that chance when I'm home. Rofl! Not really. But I'm hoping to get back to you. Honestly. Meanwhile, I'm undergoing the change to be that Perfect Guy. Caring, Loving, Affectionate, Charming, Witty, Loyal, Intelligent, Courageous and most importantly, not-so-lazy.

30 comments:

  1. hmm .. heavy one!! ... all the best dexter :P :)... i really dont think its too late ... give it ur best :) ...

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  2. rofl! love you dee dee.. i really miss her you know..i know you do 'coz all i talk about these days is her ;)

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  3. I know this comes straight from your heart. Many of your instances mentioned may be a lil irrelevant to many, but i get every bit of it!

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  5. hmmm... im happy that u realize ur mistake but u should (being a person wit high 'ego' as u consider ur self) start changing once for all.
    If u want to make her happy u need to be what u weren't. Any ways the best part abut this post was, you could be the next chetan bhagat... lol!!!

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  6. dc u r a swthrt! how i wish i cud give u sid rite here rite now and keep u relli happy..not to mention i get anshuman ;)..

    and varun, thanks ;)..i owe a lot to you mate..thanks for being there..

    love you folks..including dee dee ;)

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  7. Let me sound acerbic...
    one grow up aditya, two grow up sirish

    Marriage..?? thats funny, you are very conservative..!
    wait may be not... may be u r incapable of finding better girl..

    No wonder you wrote this being fragmented and not learning anything from it...!!

    nice usage of words poor introspection.

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  8. I think wat u wrote came from ur heart but the thing is dat ,i don believe in dis introspection u need to somehow convey ur feelings to her rather than thinkin abt how to write ur blog for hrs ........try to spend dat time to tell ur feelings to her onli once and leave if she still feels dat u r not ri8 person for her its rude but its all dat left now.......hope she will be back and see u both back in d guitar classes together [:-D]

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  9. babu 'Founder of Fuck', u almost destroyed me there..acerbic is a very mild word..i was half asleep and now im so fuckin alert all of a sudden..anyway, about what you said, one i was talking about her brother's marriage if u hadn't read it properly. and you are right you know. my friends were diplomatic and kind and all that shit but you were honest, well brutally so. but this isn't about my introspection..that post was written soon after she left me..maybe you should read my entire blog ;)..but you are right, i didn't learn much from it..and this came out all of a sudden..unexpectedly..but you are right..im still as lazy and confused as i was..and im not proud of it..thanks for that dose mate, i badly needed it..

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  10. kishore, this wasn't for her..this was for me..about me..and thanx for that last line mama..i know you want us back together..love you

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  11. and sorry..i didn't realise i wrote about our marriage too..

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  12. Chill aditya..!
    i feel that i was wrong about the introspection thing.. u did it..! and brought everything in ther out..! but problem is there was no right thing in "there" (only regarding ur expressions of thi post dont generalize it)

    So chill dude..! keep posting i will read u.

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  13. rofl!..all these months of blogging and no one's really told me all this about me like you are doing it in 5 mins..you are right..i know all this but im too scared to admit it..yea, there was no right thing in there..but im a blogger of the unfocused clan..i blog because i cannot decide..all my blogs end like this..unfocused..still confused..

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  15. 20 years virginity takes only 2 minutes to vanish...!!
    ;) ;)

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  16. and im still in search of those 2 minutes which i seem unable to grasp. both figuratively and practically ;)

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  17. ha ha sooner or later i hope u will.
    its not only fun... but it teaches u the philosophy of "________"
    Depends on what u want to learn.. ;)
    Not a joke mate.

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  18. I may have to agree wid varun in a few points!!:)...And yeah,it's good for u that u realise what u've done,good or bad!!...Change,in the face of circumstances is good,needed some tymes,but chastising yourself for who u are,your entire identity,means that you are nullifying whatever u've done, whatever decision u've taken in these 18 yrs!!..Think abt it adi..There's loads to come and things will get better..Gud luck woi!!:)

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  19. baboooeee!!! Wow! I guess you are a TAD BIT LAZY? Hmm..me thinks it runs in the family!

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  20. rofl! yea, i s'pose it runs in the family..but i really love the girl maa..

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  21. You cant help falling in love!

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  22. yea, after she left and over and over again..with the same girl ;)

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  23. I don't get it.. This post-innocuous love periodicity doesn't help !! BROODING doesn't HELP!! When should you get this? This blogging-way of empathy doesn't help out in any way connecting to her.. does it? You got to come out of it.. It's been 6 months plus, and you show every other person your gloom rather than who is to be shown.. If you really love her, you should know that she is avoiding u for good.. you have been in a relation for 3 years, you should know that mental morose don't heal in just 6 months.. you got to appreciate, feel the pain to become strong, to face the fact of your cowardice!! All of it, takes time! Time taken, gives the best healing.. I am not asking you to get over with it, but u show realise why she has left u, y she hates u, y her frens hate u.. everything's linked.. and don't tell you know this, you just don't realise it, and for that, it takes time..! All am saying is, the situation of urs, take every advantage to be THE man for her, and may be destiny will meet u both up, again [:P]! Wake up, dear, don't be a kid anymore..

    I hope you do understand!

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  24. listen to this...

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ar1XA16zsDM&feature=related

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  25. i jus dont understnd onethng hw come u call urself lazy..wen u can spend hours togthr in riting blog??!!!
    is it bcz u love bloggin mre dan anythng els r is it as smeone said wen u lov smethng u dnt find doing it painful?? mayb im lil harsh but wanna kno which f da abv r tru in ur case!!

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  26. rofl! interesting..i am lazy but blogging, is for me interesting, instantly rewarding and i love writing..so..but i don't like moving my bum a lot, you know ;)..im lazy in that respect..but not so much now, having learnt the gravity of things..!

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  27. its gud to kno dat ur not mch lazy nw;)..i dnt think its easy to get things bak in place in a strained relationship esp wen da othr person is hurt so deeply..anyways i wish u win bak da hurt of ur loved one...al da best !!

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  28. thanks so much..i knw its pretty tough but i wanna earn her this time around atleast..i wanna be someone who deserves her..!

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