Showing posts with label conversations. Show all posts
Showing posts with label conversations. Show all posts

Thursday, October 19, 2023

playing it by the ear

A few days ago Sravani and I were at Nancy-Ankur's place and I was playing with Anaya. The little game we'd improvised was that I'd carry her half a foot above the ground and she'd try to pick her toys from the floor using her feet. Obviously it was tough but everytime the toy slipped from her grip, she only laughed harder until suddenly, in a split second, she slipped from my hands and fell on her head with a thud. We look at each other, both too shocked, for what seemed like a long moment before she started to cry. I picked her up and started apologising profusely which only seemed to make her cry harder. The adults around were nonchalant and when Ankur picked her up, I just sat there, crestfallen, unable to lift my head. They kept pacifying me, laughing it off and saying, "बच्चे तो गिरते रहते ही हैं, don't worry about it" but the look on Anaya's face refused to go away from my sight. Her expression seemed to say, "I trusted you and you let this happen". I felt so ashamed for having betrayed not just her trust but also the trust of her parents and नानी and मसि, that I broke down and refused to look up until Ankur insisted that we go out for a drive during which he proceeded to tell me how many times he had dropped her or caused a little injury inadvertently. I felt better but the shame refused to completely go away, so much so that even right now I feel a little tremor in my heart when I think of that incident. The pain that I caused her makes me feel bad ofcourse but what seemed to affect me more was my own failing: here was a child who trusted me and I couldn't live upto it. Viewing from the old Guilt-Shame classification, I didn't feel guilt for that particular action (neither did I do it wilfully nor was I particularly negligent and most importantly, and thankfully, it was only a minor accident) but shame (during those minutes, the entirety of my being felt inadequate- 33 years on Earth and I couldn't do one thing right. I felt undeserving of any good feeling).

I've had discussions around fatherhood with quite a few people and hands down Ankur has been the most brutally honest and articulate about his journey. So, again, after the incident we spoke about fatherhood, my vague fears, about fathers we saw around, and his intense feelings for her. When he spoke about thinking about her or missing her when he was at work, I thought I saw the poetic romance of a 12-year old boy floating in the clouds when thinking about his crush. Not just the joy, the longing, the singular presence of that girl in his life, but also a pleasant surprise at his own transformation of being able to love someone like that. It was incredibly sweet. Towards the end he told me, "यार टाइम लगता हैं इन सब चीज़ों में| मेरेको टाइम लगा सीखने में के क्या चीज़े करनी हैं, कैसे करनी हैं, मैं किस किसम का बाप हूँ| देख, फर इंस्टेंस, मैं उसको कुछ बोल नहीं सकता, मेरेको उसे ये सिखाना हैं वह सिखाना हैं करके कोई ख्वाइश हैं नहीं. मुझे सिर्फ वह खुश चाहिए, मैं उस के लिए प्लेमेट हु| मैं ये चाहता हूँ के वह मेरे पास आके कुछ भी बोले, के पापा हैं तोह चिल हैं|". 

This dovetailed with something instructive Sravani told me a couple of weeks ago, when I was, as usual, hemming and hawing about not wanting to be a 'typical' father, "You don't have to be a certain type of father. You do realise that you choose what is important for you, what you want to inculcate in the kid. If you think I wanna travel with my kid, then that's what you'll do. It doesn't only have to be buying property or taking them to tuitions or disciplining them or whatever else you think a 'typical' father does"1. That sort of helped me see that one of my biggest fears has been that I may to have change myself into a certain idea of a father, and both the standard refusal to conform as well as guilt that I may not be able to and fail the kid, created a demon within. It does now, finally, seem like there are as many kinds of fathers (the variations might be minor but they do exist) as there are kids.

Even during our walk yesterday, when TK was saying that he hasn't been able to buy something for himself because his keeps using that set money to buy something for his son, and I asked him if it pissed him off sometimes, he said, "नहीं, मतलब जब तक तुमने ये बात पूछी नहीं मुझे लगा ही नहीं के मैं कुछ सैक्रिफाइस कर रहा हूँ| बस हो जाता हैं|"

Finally, towards the end of another conversation, after I raved on about the complexity of being a human being, the myriad experiences, emotions, biases, weaknesses, desires we harbour etc. in our long lives (when I compare the difference between the lifetime of a feeling/ thought and the length of my own life, it does seem like a long life), it struck me that to want to isolate 'pure' intentions and 'genuine' feelings to ensure we really want it before embarking on a journey is a fool's errand. It is the full-blooded entirety of my being, all my history and biology and philosophy and poetry and narratives, that I call myself at this point of time that feels and does something. Ofcourse that could, and probably will, change about every single decision I've taken, and there's nothing I can do about it except adapt and improvise. Its not escapism for my actions in the sense of "please don't hold me responsible for what a different me did 5 years ago" as much as an acceptance of the complexity of my being- all murky thoughts and messy feelings. 

Dheeraj recently told me of an aphorism Ramarao Kanneganti garu apparently uttered, "We are not rational people. We are rationalising people". I find it to contain a deep truth. All this kvetching and manoeuvring and soaring I do on the blog is at some level a joke. For all the claims of realisations and epiphanies, I don't think I've been able to consciously apply these learnings. It exists primarily as a document of my wrangling with trying to understand and rationalise my behaviour. Everything here is both true and false. It is the truth but not the whole truth, whatever that is.

1Reminds me of the beautiful line from ఆకాశమంత- "ఒక బిడ్డ పుట్టినప్పుడే ఆ తండ్రి కూడా పుడతాడు"

Tuesday, March 5, 2019

a glorious walk back home at dusk

  • Good evening, how are you today?
  • I'm very good, thanks, how're you?
  • I'm good.. So how would you like it
  • Really short on the sides and back.. not so short on the top and front.
  • Sure
  • [Nodding at the posters of Sunil Shetty, Salman Khan, Akshay Kumar, Shah Rukh Khan, Hrithik Roshan, Shahid Kapoor] Do you watch Bollywood movies?
  • Yeah man, I love Hindi movies.. Watch them a lot
  • Cool.. Who's your favourite actor?
  • In Hindi, or English?
  • Hindi
  • Aamir Khan.. 
  • Yeah, Aamir's great
  • ..and Akshay Kumar
  • His comedy is excellent
  • I watched that film recently.. Bahoobali.. It was awesome
  • Yeah, it's a really good movie.. I'm actually from that place.. Baahubali was made in my language, it's called Telugu
  • Yeah, Telegu.. I know.. I also watched that movie.. [snaps his fingers and stops cutting].. Er, the one in Chennai.. A lot of people go in trains
  • Robo-?
  • Yeah, Robot.. It was really great.. Indians spend a lot of money on movies.. [A news item comes up on TV about the separation of Bhutanese conjoined twins] That's great man.. That's great.. You have a lot of people in India?
  • Yeah, we do.. But they're not Indian, I think they're Bhutanese
  • Yeah
  • Where are you from?
  • Me.. I'm from Iran man
  • Man, I love your films.. Kiarostami, Jafar Panahi, Majid Majidi.. Children of Heaven.. Panahi made a film called The Circle.. I love it
  • Yeah.. and the music man
  • I don't know about the music but I love your films.. Asghar Farhadi is Iranian right?
  • Yeah, you know about him?
  • Yeah, I love his Separation
  • That's nice man
  • Since when are you in Australia?
  • Since 1985.. Like 35 years now
  • Wow! You've only been in Sydney?
  • Me?! No, I've lived in all places.. all over Australia
  • What place do you like the most?
  • I love Melbourne.. The weather is not good but it's a beautiful city.. I had a shop there but not much money.. So I moved here
  • Yeah.. Can you make it shorter at the top?
  • Yeah.. Sydney has 7 million people.. It's good.. It's like Mumbai.. I used to think Mumbai is the capital of India.. People think Sydney is the capital of Australia.. But it's only the financial capital
  • Yeah
  • So, you've been here long?
  • No, just about two months now
  • What do you do?
  • I'm a software guy.. Lot of Indians are moving to Australia because of Software jobs
  • But why? Tell me honestly, is it more money?
  • Yeah, that's one part but more than that there's better lifestyle here.. India has too many people and too much pollution.. If you want more money, you're better off in America or England.. But people don't want to go to England anymore because of Trump
  • Haha.. Donald Trump.. Really, why?
  • [Indicating] Can you make it shorter at the top?.. Because he's made it harder for anyone to immigrate.. And people are not getting jobs.. Immigrants, Indians, Muslims..
  • Yeah man
  • [Nodding at the news about a Rugby match] Since I've been here, I've been trying to understand Rugby and Footy.. But there are so many types- NFL, NRL and all that and there are so many rules
  • [Laughing] No worries, you'll get the hang of it.. When I came I didn't understand anything either
  • Iran is so rich in culture.. [Holding the hair at the top] Ca-
  • Yeah, I'll make it shorter.. 
  • I've read translation of Rumi and Amir Khusrau
  • Oh Khusrau yeah
  • Urdu, the language spoken in South India, is based on Farsi
  • Yeah man I know.. [rattling off words]Bos, Kam, Sapheyd, Haraam..
  • [Laughing] Haraam.. Yeah, man.. 
  • That's how I understand a little bit of Hindi movies
  • [Getting up and looks at the hair in the rear mirror] Looks good, thanks
  • [Reaches out a hand] Nathan.. It's actually *inaudible* but here everyone calls me Nathan
  • Addy.. [Handing out a 50]
  • Do you have a 20?
  • Nope
  • Sure, no problem.. [Giving back the change] Thanks.. See ya
  • Sure.. Asalaam Vaalekum
  • [Grinning] Vaalekum Asalam
  • I'm from Hyderabad actually
  • Oh! Yeah, it's a beautiful place
  • Yeah, famous for Hyderabadi Biryani
  • And Irani Chai
  • Yeah.. It's beautiful.. And people speak Urdu there
  • Yeah.. Hindus, Musilms, Sikhs live together there.. So nice
  • India is like that.. Used to be like that I think
  • Good day
  • See ya

Wednesday, June 15, 2016

the answer is not enough

Thanks to Purnima I met Venkata today. I wanted to do something in Data Science and ever since she told me about his startup, I've been pestering her to introduce me to him. And now that I met him today and had a long conversation, I guess all that will be justified if I apply even 20% of what he's said. A passionate man, an intense man, a very intelligent man (you don't need to be smart to recognise it; you'll realize when you're looking upto him), a man who's failed and fallen, a man who's dived deep enough to be confident of his swimming abilities. After my brief intro where I told him about the stuff I've done over the years, he got into the driving seat and lectured for over two hours, with me acknowledging with "right" and "yeah", about the nature of technology, about finding the purpose, about trying stuff, about failing and having your ego bruised, about the nature of learning, as we walked round and round BDA complex. A couple of times, as a reaction to something he said, my mind wandered in search of an interesting response (I was tempted to quote this wonderful line, "..because people act like homing missiles towards their deepest desires"), but I consciously pulled back because I wanted to 'empty my cup'.

Most of it is stuff you get to listen to all the time. You know, one of those "I wish I'd known this when I was in my 20s" thing. But what enamoured me was his zest for life and learning despite all the setbacks he must've gone through. Not that he explicitly mentioned many but I knew what I was seeing was the tip of an iceberg made up of failures and successes, setbacks and serendipitous discoveries. He told me that it was a good thing I'd tried diverse stuff. But that my learning was shallow. I admitted, saying how it caused a crisis in confidence because I didn't know if I knew any of this stuff or was just using jargon. He nodded, claiming how it took him ten years to even figure out what he wanted to do. And then about how your pursuits keep changing every 5-7 years, that there was no soulmate-y job. That it takes atleast 5 years of dedicated work to even be decently good at something. At the end of first year, you go, awesome, I know everything. At the end of second, you're frustrated because nothing works and you think people must be really stupid to do these things (He repeatedly insisted, "People are not stupid"). Year three is when you realize what things are like and see them in a new light. And years four and five to capitalize on what you've learnt to work on a problem. And then you'll know if you like it and want to pursue it or try something new. That is the investment you have to make.

He kept indicating how it is imperative to find a deep motivation that'll act as your compass even if the rest of the world is saying you're wrong. And then I spoke about my short-lived motivations and he said which is why the time is now for self-reflection. To learn to think. All our lives we've lived in auto-pilot. Somebody's done the thinking for us. But if you really want to learn and grow, conscious thinking is a skill you should learn and apply. It won't come in a day, it's a process but it is something that'll lead to where you want to go. He said to be a good Data Scientist, I should focus on three things: Domain, Tooling and Statistics. That ML is not as sexy as people are making it out now but 80% of it is brunt work: gathering data, cleaning it, making it suitable for analysis. He also spoke about why context is king and how when he was studying Economics, he read biographies of economists to understand the conditions which prompted their thought processes. He also kept using the phrase 'Intellectual Horsepower' which I fell in love with.

I can't remember everything because it was too discursive but the takeaway I've gotten is that learning is bloody work. It demands dedication and practice and effort and sacrifice. And so it is important to find something that you're motivated to do. Making a film, writing a book, starting a company; doesn't matter but you have to find your calling. He said by the time I was 30, I should've started something on my own. Where I've invested either time or money or effort, or all those. Because "at 30, you've seen enough but you're not yet cynical. At 40, you are no more motivated enough to try and change". And for that I should start converging now. That if I got lucky and had a great, supportive wife, like he said he had, it was going to be slightly easy. Otherwise, that'd be another problem to contend with. I had to start preparing for it from now. To be confident enough about something to be able to lead people. He told me that better than attending training and MOOCs, it was better to take an anchor problem and work around it. To try and solve it. That ML and NLP and Statistical Algorithms and stuff like that were just tools and what use would they be if I didn't know what to do with them.

Contentment is a very short-lived feeling. The only thing we can do is keep running to the next marker. To keep running towards something a long distance away, you have to have desire for it. To love it. To be driven by curiosity. Because you think it'll be an interesting destination to reach. And the only way to be able to do that is to work and learn, work and reflect, work and gain perspective, work and live.

..this is just a banal platitude-  but the fact is that in day to day trenches of adult existence, banal platitudes can have life-or-death importance. -DFW

As is the norm these days, DFW's saying what I've been thinking in way better sentences than I can ever come up with. I want to say it was a much needed talk. But to know if it's just surface level or if I'm going to learn something from it, only time will tell. Life is this struggle, between the comfort and dead-end of certainty and the fear and temptation of uncertainty. I still think the bloody lessons aren't seeping in. They're just surface level. However, I hope that I'm going to learn and grow and laugh and tell stories and be a better person. How I choose to deal with life will, eventually, be the story of my life.

Saturday, July 18, 2015

you are the work you leave behind

I like talking to Dheeraj. For one, I talk more than I listen and since చెప్పేవాడికి వినేవాడు లోకువ, I guess, I talk a lot of stuff that doesn't make any sense and still expect to have an audience. And two, I feel deeply about advising him because he's a few years younger and I want him to walk the path I wish I had back then. I'm not sure about the first but the second reason is an exercise in futility. Somewhere in the back of my head I know he needn't and won't listen to me, just like I didn't when others told me at that age. It is the old who are deluded, the young are fiery with righteousness. Yet, I suppose, I like talking to him just as I like talking to others because my own words, when directed at others, take different shapes and come back to me through different routes and force me to scrutinize them.

Today we spoke about MAP. I told him that if he has to choose between a job he likes and a workplace with smarter/ interesting people, he should choose the latter. I told him that all formal training modes are humbug and the only way to learn is to pick up jobs and get them done. And I guess we concurred together that every idea that comes out of our head is not art and that shaping it in a certain way is the key ingredient. We also spoke about Rahman, genius and how newer educational methods are messing up with our kids' heads by telling them that all are talented and special, when they fuckin' aren't. True Genius, or just Genius, since that's the only kind there is, is truly beyond the comprehension of mortals and beyond the grasp of training. It is special and rare. He raved about Meheranna's blog and we gushed over జానకితో జనాంతికం. He spoke about Mulaaqat and Nanga, and I advocated Screenwriting Principles picked up from the lectures of Aaron Sorkin and Charlie Kaufman. We also wished we had the talent of Anurag Kashyap but looked like Imtiaz Ali.

And then I told him what I thought I'd never tell anyone. I told him to take life seriously. That words are nothing but air, just like fart; And that no matter what you say, it is the work you do that will eventually matter, ever. I told him about Malcolm Gladwell's theory about Quality being a Probabilistic Function of Quantity and that he should stop looking back at what he'd done or wanted to do and look forward to what he ought and wants to do. I told him to take up a job and that the best way of knowing yourself is to be at the receiving end of a spiteful, demeaning talk from your boss which will make you feel like an idiot and a fool. And an ignoramus. ( Idiot and Fool are most probably wrong but Ignorant is not ). And that humility is the trait of a confident person and it is fear that makes us self-conceited. I also told him to keep reading, to keep expanding, to keep evolving, to stop doing things he didn't really care about and to take up things that he'd give his 100% to. And that the only reason we don't like something is because of our ineptitude at doing it ourselves. ( స్నేహితులు నీకున్న ఇష్టాలే, శత్రువులు నీలోని లోపాలే ).

Thank you Dheeraj for making me say what I had to hear. The work we do is what we have and that's the only thing that can lead us to Moksha. Everything else is just fantasy. This is my life and it's ending one wishful daydream at a time.

Tuesday, May 5, 2015

art will save the world

The biggest upside of coming to Bangalore has been the chance to have long, freewheeling conversations with Sravani and Hareesh. We talk about a lot of things, some statements reaffirming my opinions and others forcing me to come out of my shell and try and look at the issue at hand from a totally unexpected point of view. About relationships, about marriage, about urban living, about the lives we'll live ahead, about Indian mythology, and the bloated narcissism of theme weddings. And one very intense argument with Ram on the topic of Science as a torch towards knowledge and if it was causing any betterment to the human civilization.  Yeah, the same old stuff. I guess no matter where you take me, I'll carry my deep seated insecurities and judgements, thoughts and viewpoints with me. And then, without fail, at the end of every discussion, I go meta and question the validity and potency of my version of thoughts and wonder if I'm just blabbering fancy terms or for once know what the fuck I'm talking about. Its very humbling, that voice which asks if I'm just an ignorant asshole overestimating the significance of my thoughts and I'm hoping it'll help me stay grounded and open-minded.

Anyway, before I forget, in In the light of what we know, Rahman makes what I think is a very acute observation. ( Since this piece is like an interior monologue anyway, should I mention I think explicitly since everything on this blog is more or less an outpouring of my thoughts? ) Talking about the relationship between thought and expression, he says as much as we use language to express the thoughts inside our head, we also sometimes use language as a crutch to grope at the thoughts we're not able to define clearly yet. And this led me to thinking if this is what the elders mean when they speak about when they forbid us from using 'negative' words. In the moment that we choose a phrase to express a thought, aren't we also creating the thought or moulding it in a way to suit out purposes? Also, of late, I came up with a pet theory which I kind of think explains how our brains use analogies to find patterns in all the data we ingest. In our minds, every bit of information, is its own meta-information. Every word/ thought/ image/ sound stands not only as a representation of something in the real world, but also as a symbol for itself.

One of the topics that we contested was on the notion of personal space in a relationship. While they argued that it is imperative for every person in a relationship to still have some time off, I argued that this whole concept of personal space was a very western outlook. Since the self changes every moment, to begin to group all these infinite selves rigidly as one person was not a very clever approach. What I am at this moment is a culmination of surrounding environment, the thoughts running in my head, my mood, the attentiveness of my senses, my history leading upto this moment among a host of other things. And thus the self is a very fluidic concept and there should be no hard and fast rules binding a person to a commitment that they must've made under very difference circumstances. But as I even said this, I found that I was contradicting myself, by using my Midhunam analogy, which I always do when talking about relationships. How is it that Appadasu and Buchilakshmi stayed in love till the end. I'm sure they must've fought, disagreed, hated the other, cribbed, bickered and resented staying together as much as they must've had a great, great time living together. What exactly does love mean then?

Another interesting discussion that we verged on was the irrationality of human beings. Gods are gods because they're predictable- they're compassionate and just, they follow dharma. For all their crimes and misdemeanours, they're still on the right side of following the rules they've set. Humans, on the other hand, are far more interesting because they act in ways that aren't commonsensical. We display kindness, anger, hatred and curiosity when we'd probably be better off without them. A god might not go out of his way to ease someone else's discomfort but humans mostly do. And I feel good about it. That we can be all proper and systematic if we want to, but we choose serendipity and whim over pure cold reason. The world, for all its shortcomings, still survives because of it.

Nature is Brighter than the Sun, but Culture is Brighter Still.
  

Friday, July 6, 2012

Dreamweaver

There are some people out there in the world who, because of their immense knowledge, demand respect. Demand is a harsh word. But that's the best I can find now. I'm not talking intelligence. I'm talking Knowledge, which for me is a culmination of intelligence and experience. That brings the charisma. Dr. JP is so approachable, so magnanimous with his patience and so convincing in his explanations that the first time I spoke to him for a considerable amount of time, I turned into a huge fan of his. Luckily, I've met some people like him. Venkat, for one, is every man's dream boss. And Amogha would nod in consent. He never micromanaged, never ordered around, never roused fear or insecurity. Instead, he was a constant presence, fusing confidence. Urging us to move forward and that he would take care of everything trailing behind. Rajiv, maybe a little harsh sometimes, but I love his careless demeanor. Maybe HN Lakshmi should join that list too. Her presence wasn't comforting but she was fair in her criticism and judgement and that's something I always look for in an inspiration. Ragini Atha for her sheer humility. For so simply stating that you don't have to be right all the time. Bhavana Rao is amazing company. She taught me the difference between being rude and being strict. I totally love the she can evoke respect, fear and admiration interchangeably. I haven't found anybody like that in my office yet. The other people I just spoke about seemed to love what they were doing so much that they didn't feel a need to prove a point. They were imposing yes, oozing with life and energy, but never cruel or loud. On the other hand, the people I associate myself daily with give me the impression that I'm doing this because I don't want to fail/ be blamed/ lose this job. There's something truly divine about people passionate about their jobs. And that is what gives us jitters when we hear Jobs talk, or Messi dart or SPB sing. I just found a term for this phenomenon. Mr. CM Reddy, who I've never met and who I spoke for the first time ever, a high intensity talk of about half an hour on topics like Corporate Agriculture, Co-Operative initiatives, passion, decentralization of economic strongholds, respect for farmers and creating a sustainable economy at the village level. Amidst all this, Mr Reddy said, "Don't fool yourself by saying that you want to do it for the poor. You aren't doing them a favour. You're doing whatever you're doing because it's your Moksha Path. Somebody wants to be an Engineer, somebody a Bar Dancer and you want to do this. Simple."  I fell in love with the term, Moksha Path. I was hitting along with him so well and the moment he uttered that phrase, I was floored. An half hour conversation with him is the reason for this post. Conversations are elixir and he injected life back into me. Like I was saying earlier, some people have it in them to inspire others. I don't really want to comment on somebody else but I have a feeling that if some people look back and see what they'd done in the past fifteen years of their lives, see if they've evolved in any way, inspired somebody, been worshiped by a teenager, laughed and cried uncontrollably, they'd treat their juniors in a much better fashion. About two weeks ago, we were having a team lunch and somebody suddenly asked what each of ours' dream was. I thought I'd say something to please them but then before I knew it, I uttered, " I want to be the man who's seen life. Who's slept on footpaths and the costliest of hotels. Who's dined with paupers and pampered adults. Who's lived in a group and who understands solitude. I want to be the man who quotes and is worth quoting. I want to be the man who's truly lived. Summing it up, I want to be most interesting guy I know. Somebody who can entertain audience in dinner table conversations all night long. I want to be that guy." I'm not sure who understood but for the first time in my life, I cohesively answered to myself what exactly I want. I want to inspire kids into moving out of their pseudo-secure places to see and cherish the world out there. I want to be a storyteller. I want to be a dreamweaver.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

"If you think you can live without writing, do not write."

Rahul Dravid. That's one name a lot of our conversations reach to. The kind of admiration and respect we, both Deekshith and I, have for the great man is unparalleled. The gentleman's attributes of honesty, hard work, fair play, tenacity, discipline and dignity that he symbolises are something that we crave to reach up to. Like Deekshith just pointed out in his latest post, talking to him for me is one of the very few ways to get back to being what I was not so long ago, dreamy, irreverent, idealistic and arty. Having been bowled over by Gabriel Garcia's talk about his early writing days in Living to Tell the Tale, I wanted to talk to somebody about all that. Somebody who would not judge me, ptch me or preach me but would listen to me and respond correspondingly. All that pointed to Deekshith and it was not before long that we fell into the comfortable wavelength of the good old days. I will not write much about it since Deekshith's succinctly done all that very, very well in his post but will end with an idea that we both agreed upon. That writing is an obsession, a lifelong addiction to the world of fiction and writers write not because they want to but because they have to. Deekshith, looking forward to all those conversations in the Galli, again.

Friday, June 10, 2011

mythbusters

Deekshith is back and so are all those awesome conversations. The art of conversation is probably the one most underrated, underwhelmed; We tend to forget how stimulative, provocative they can be. And you can't converse the same way with everybody; there's a way you talk to different people you know. There's always a wavelength you emit when you are talking to one person which is different from the one you emit when conversing with another. Fuck, why do I sound like Deekshith. I had missed these conversations for about a year now, these topics and talks with Deekshith. Both of us are quintessential dreamers, we worship our heroes, want to imbibe them but strive for originality. Atleast that is what I understand about us. So, Deekshith is back and so with him are talks about Ashok and "Them.". Like Sravani just pointed out, Ashok for me is a myth, a legend, the protagonist in all those stories weaved about him by his ardent devotees, Deekshith, Raghav and partly Sandeep, and that is what makes him so alluring, having me imagine somebody who fits into all those characteristics as I've heard of him. And that for me is a good thing because it helps me dream, helps me see that that there are people in the world like whom I'd love to be. It's not wannabedom. How do I explain? Just because you like Chiranjeevi's dance and want to be like him, doesn't mean you want be another Chiranjeevi. You want to be all that Chiranjeevi is; a demigod, an illusion, an embodiment of superhumanness. I seem to be getting back to touch, the words now are coming out easily. Deekshith just left and I got onto Love and Squalor. I've never read anybody like Aishwarya. It's beyond real, I crave to reach that aura, it's hard to explain. We spoke for a long time, Deekshith and me. He's changed, like hell too. This is a drastically different person from the one I expected to see. His voice doesn't flinch like it used to, when we are talking, he doesn't fade away into mortality anymore, and most importantly he looks straight in the eye. 9 months of London and this is what is delivered; fair. But the one hour or so we spoke today at the SaroorNagar katta was awesome. He told me this fabulous Picasso story. Pablo Picasso is in a party and this little girl comes upto him.She says, my dad tells me you are a great painter, so will you sketch me. Picasso draws the girl in three minutes and the crowd applauds hailing his genius and asking him how anybody could sketch in three minutes. To which Picasso replies, Its taken thirty years for me to do this in three minutes. One hell of a story ain't it. But yes, I've seen it now, hunger and solitude can do this to you. I was talking to Amma yesterday and I hailed myself the starving artist. She smiles at me and says, no you aren't, you wish you were. You need to starve before you become a starving artist, not sit home all day and wish you were one. What could I have said. Before I leave, there's a line in Nolan's Following when one character looks at a desk scattered with papers and a typewriter and corrects the other character, who thinks it belongs to a writer, that if he really was a writer, he'd have got a word processor. "This guy isn't a writer, he wants to be a writer. Those are two totally seperate things."

Monday, February 7, 2011

జీవితం బాబాయ్, జీవితం

Well, well, well, it's been quite long. So much to be written down. And Deekshith's just inspired me into actually jotting all of it down. Read his latest post, it's great. Anyway, all that apart, last two days have been crammed with lots of discussions, predominantly on life and if living life like it is being lived now makes any sense at all. The conversations in the last two days have been invigorating, have to be when the person on the other end is somebody like Ram. అన్నాయ్, మజా ఒచ్చింది .

All I want to do now is write, and since this has been the latest of happenings, I'm talking about it right now. For one, I met him on saturday evening at Air Force Station, Hakimpet. We had taken all the MAD kids out there and I have a feeling the ambience was just right for the discussion which followed. चिचोरापन is one word which defines me best and I guess he was reminded of his own chichora days when he saw me. And then, off to Baseraa, where I had a weird dinner amidst Ghazals and then we returned together. He said, "You remind me of all I was five years ago and all I'm asking you is not to make mistakes but to make newer ones than which I made." Trying stuff and making mistakes is Okay; brilliant. I don't really remember what we were talking but then it ranged from a Utopian world of no competition, to Hofstadter, to Francisian girls and if living amongst people who deliberately looked away from reality was worth it.

The part two began when we finished playing volleyball at FSC and took a bus to Lalapet, yesterday. And boy was the conversation enchanting. We spoke about an ideal world where things didn't deter you if you didn't want them to, where the idea of paradise is ఒక ఎకరం పొలం and కవిత్వం and if it was alright wanting to be happy all the time. I don't know if they took either of us anywhere but I can tell this on his behalf too that all those spoken words were to be spoken. Because looking back and checking your priorities is always important and he's done that for me. Happy గా బతకడానికి ఎం కావాలి, ఎంత కావాలి is a question which I believe everyone has to has oneself and that is what we had been doing. And I've been advised to read Indian mythology and philosophy, yes boss.

Infact, on saturday, before the dinner I spoke for a long time with Amogh and boy was that awesome. He spoke about authors and books I had never thought of and got me interested into something which sounds as mundane as Sales-Marketing and Strategy management. Amogh man, can you talk.

Had to write this. To all those conversations which turned me into who I am.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

life, the way you want to see it

It's funny, how in life we take things the way we want to. The ability to derive from something what exactly you've been trying to express, to relate with. And when there are things you are saying, but want to add credibility to them, you relate them to those popular sources who are similar enough. Pretty concocted sentence. Ok, had this really really long conversation with yasaswyny. Loved it. There was a lot of shit in it, like generalizing people but then there were a few gems in the conversation too. We spoke about god, about marriage, about people, about people, about physics, about thathas, about genius, about mirapakaya bajjis, about prospective grooms, about marijuana, about marquez, and about why I believe why she should never marry. Loved it, time flew so fast that we didn't realize we had been speaking for 4-5 hours. Long since I've had somebody listen to me uninterrupted and I told her my opinions on a lot of things, why people should open up their eyes and ears and warned her against trusting men completely; how we can be complete assholes. We spoke about women in my life, about anirudh, about poems, about writers and cigarettes, about what it means in life to be happy and successful. Now, as I list out things, I relive all those ideas and it makes me want to do it again. Ages since I've had such an uninhibited conversation, with honest, impromptu, sometimes brutal perceptions flowing from both sides. Thanks yashu, for Mirchi Bajji, Jamkai, Binary Logic problems and a very memorable afternoon.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Destiny, The Matrix and a lot of Whys

Another one of those long conversations where the spectrum of topics discussed ranged from movies, to people, to destiny, to movies, to math, to why everything is the way it is. Had loads of fun talking to Kaushik for a long time today at Ashok's.

We spoke about a lot of things but what started off with why people act the way they do drifted to The Matrix, Paulo Coelho and Game Theory. He reminded me again of that pending Pool Virus Project and I really want to do it. Waiting for the equipment. But I'm really pleased with what happened today. What all we spoke about but importantly, about how easy it was to talk to someone without being preached, or taunted, or looked upon by.

Really refreshing. The kind of stuff really good conversations do to you.

So long, Charlie!

Friday, May 7, 2010

The Fake Guy within

I hate wannabes. Or did, until I realised I was the biggest one I knew. I do not want to generalise for everyone but I have a fake guy within me. The other guy apart from me who acts as if he is the true me. No, this is not the guy I'm talking about who likes to act cool or impress others. This guy, I'm talking about is trying to impress me. Its my alter ego. I was talking to Sravani and I said, "There are two people in me. One is the me that I really am. And the other is the ideal me who I want to be. The problem is, I don't listen to just one of them." The core emotion of all human life, according to Anirudh, is Restlessness. And I really believe that is true. If I wasn't so restless as to know about the reason of my existence, I wouldn't be really bothered to find the 'me'.

I know I am a very boring writer. I always speak about the same ideas. The same things over and over again. And yes, even this is about what I always talk about. Anyway, the fake guy within me is giving me a lot of trouble. I've received a lot of sermons yesterday and I've thought a lot about all of them. I was talking to Kruthika yesterday and me being me, started talking about the reason of existence, about Neitzsche, Supertramp and Tolstoy. Yesterday evening talking to Anirudh, after a long time and for a long time, I exactly knew what he was saying. That I'd always talked about Jobs, Caulifield etc, wanted to be like them but never done all that they had done. A kind of Chandramukhi saga, just that he was Rajnikanth here. All my life, I read and I dreamt. In that process, I felt I had done all that. But the truth is I haven't and so I've just been paraphrasing all those people. No original stuff here folks. And the reason Steve Jobs, Rabbi, Anurag Kashyap or Alex Supertramp became what they became and I'm still a shithole because all I've been doing is just talking. I've never shown the courage or skill or the passion to rise above myself and become the Aditya Sirish.

And you know what that means. I've never bent my back and smelt sweat. I've never felt the mud in my palms and satisfaction in my eyes. All along, I've just been a viewer, a third person who's entire foundation of thought is based on someone else's, be it Ayn Rand, JD Salinger or Garcia Marquez. I'm not the guy who lived. So far, I'm just the guy who wanted to live. And the fake guy within me's convinced me that I really have lived. Sad truth but has to be acknowledged. Thomas Huxley said, "Do what you have to do, when you have to do it. Everything else will fall into place." So reading The Fountainhead or RGV's blog or Scorsese's story before an exam will take me nowhere. All it can do is make myself more of a wannabe. Someone who's hoping to get into the big league but who's not willing enough to pour his heart out and run. The spectator can only have but a faint idea of the feeling when Tendulkar hooks the ball. Sure, he thinks he knows what it feels like but then it'd be nothing compared to what Sachin'd be feeling then. And since Sachin is ready to toil for 16 hours a day even now, he deserves it but not the spectator who's munching popcorn.

You have a right to be as big a dreamer as a doer. But if you want to dream big, then you have to be ready to do big. Sorry, I'm not preaching, I'm just telling myself. Wannabes never live. They hope they'd live and convince themselves that they're living. Infact, there's nothing wrong with being a wannabe. No problem doing what you really like in someone else. But the problem arises when the feeling ends at wanting to. Actually doing is what matters.

Life in a way is very simple. Its like a huge maze where doing the right thing now will lead you closer to the goal- that, here, being the Reason of your Existence. But if you expect to sit at someplace and order answers known, you are just screwing yourself up. Its all written in the oldest saying. Talk Less, Do More. Take life step by step. Live life this moment. And, The answers will be known when they have to be.

Unlike a lot of my other pieces, I'm neither feeling elated nor depressed at the end of this. I just don't feel anything at all. The answers are staring at me and its high time I acknowledge their presence. The task to be done is cut-out. Talk less. Stop thinking about Cool or Unconventional. Dream big, but then get ready to sweat it out because your dreams are only as big as your actions.