Sunday, May 5, 2013

straight from the gut

Everyone falls off but it is one's ability to dust it off, get up and prove himself and the world that he's back is what defines a man. A rather romantic notion but not as easy as it may seem. No, dusting off and getting up is the easier part. The harder part is to concede that you've fallen down, to admit that you're not living but waiting for life to happen, to acknowledge the passivity that seeped in, to accept the fact that you're getting so irritated and depressed with the behaviour of people not because they're changing but because you're not able to. Life is so much fun when things are happening. Your confidence is high, people find you charming and funny, your girl admires you and the relationship blossoms, you mother is proud of her prodigious son, you can state your ideas emphatically, your friends love you and you thank god for giving you such a wonderful life. But then, somehow you grow complacent, and things stall. Not in jerks and splutters, unfortunately, but with whines. You think this is temporary, that things will get back to being normal, but they don't. And soon a sense of dread starts to seep in. You find your friends and family unsympathetic. You think they don't understand you, they don't empathize with you. Your work suffers and as guilt seeps in, you can't do what you've always loved doing. You turn self-pitying, sleep for phenomenally long periods. You contemplate on the worthlessness of life, you mock people for going forward, telling them that all this is temporary, that all of us are going to die one day soon. You pretend you don't care what people say about you. You turn away from your girl when she tries to help you, to tell you that things are wrong with you, that you have to change. You have nightmares of her deserting you for a more successful man, of not sticking to you when you needed her most. You feel like the burden of existence is upon you, like you are alone and desolate in the expanse of the world. You cut off whoever is trying to help you. Your family drifts away from you because you don't let them near. You attempt to change things. You start doing things. But none of them work. You're doing all that you can, putting in all your efforts like they told you to, like they promised things would look up when you do. You believe in it, grit your teeth and work hard. But soon enough, the resolve fails. You go back to being a drifter, you try to carve a different career path for yourself. Then you realise that that is hard work too. Your family backs you hoping you'd stick to it. But when you don't, they are disappointed. They don't even show their hurt or anger anymore. They just let you exist. Do not really pay attention. At this point, you don't feel anger too. You know that to earn their respect, to earn your girl's admiration and love, you have to work hard. Prove them that you aren't a loser. But the will to fight already disappeared. Things get only worse and then you get used to it. You don't care about life anymore. You don't revel in small achievements, you don't laugh, you don't mingle, you don't experience. And you begrudge others for doing so. Insecurity and jealousy rule you. You grow cynical. You don't care about the promises you make, you don't trust yourself. Life loses its meaning. It just turns into one day dissolving into the next. You don't remember dates, or events, or anniversaries. People stop talking to you because you make their lives uninteresting. And then you hit the bottom. Pure dullness. You cocoon yourself, like she put it, in your laziness and complacency. Nothing affects you anymore. You think of giving it all up and turning into a Sadhu. Maybe that would bring some meaning to your life, give you a reason to exist. After all, aren't we here to be liberated.

And then one day, in one moment, the smoke clears. One phone call, one post, one look. It changes everything. The smoke seems to be clearing. You start seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. The darkest one you've ever been in. Warmth starts to seep back into you. You don't want to let this moment pass. Your family, your girl are giving you one last chance. You don't want to disappoint them anymore. You muster all your energy and you start running. Its easier than it seems. Now that the will to live, inspire, love and be loved, to change the world have been reignited, things seem to be falling into place. You are not going to let this moment pass. You think of all those who tried to tie you down, who told you that you wouldn't amount to much anyway. You want to prove them wrong. But more than that, you want to prove your mother, your girl that their belief in you was never meaningless. That the man they loved had the guts to reclaim himself. Now is the time to prove them right.

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