I so fuckin hate growing up. It' like they show in the films. You are over her, you are happy, you're trying to move forward, to create something in life, and then suddenly she calls one day and you are head over heels for her. Btw, fuck, I can't believe I used an idiom. One old song, one half-remembered object, one similar scene in the movie and that is all the catalyst it takes to successfully carry you back to all those days of glory.
Talking about how we should move on, should dust ourselves, learn and shit is all fine, as long as you don't have to apply it. You're trying to move away from the history but like in a Rushdie or a Marquez story, you find yourself wanting to live in those days and eventually you live in history. Will it take me anywhere, No. Will it keep me happy, Yes and No. It hurts like crazy but maybe that is what this is all about.
I'm so fucking all of my 21 years. And there's enough shit happened in life that any old song, and more often than not I have a memory to show for and a time to be lost in. I so feel like the wounded protagonists in the Art-house cinema. Sad, that heroes in art house cinema have more than their share of negative shades. I want to get this all out of me, but do I? Shit like this and I have more than a decent chance of being the Indian Maupassant. Well, I outdid myself in immodesty there but still, you get the point.
I can't afford to lose all that I've built up for the one women without knowing if I actually love her. I'm still confused as I was, as irresponsible, and have added a few more negative shades up my repository. And I have the undying compliment of "never-grow-up". But despite all this, I hear that voice and I'd jump of the Eiffel Tower and still come back for her. Ok, let's call this the end.
That was totally out of nowhere. With loads of ideas up my sleeve waiting to be written, I get back to this. Maybe I'm like this because I'm half asleep, or because I'm a chauvinistic pig, or because I'm going to anyway think drastically different sometime soon or maybe because I really love her. But all of that is me.