Friday, May 7, 2010

The Fake Guy within

I hate wannabes. Or did, until I realised I was the biggest one I knew. I do not want to generalise for everyone but I have a fake guy within me. The other guy apart from me who acts as if he is the true me. No, this is not the guy I'm talking about who likes to act cool or impress others. This guy, I'm talking about is trying to impress me. Its my alter ego. I was talking to Sravani and I said, "There are two people in me. One is the me that I really am. And the other is the ideal me who I want to be. The problem is, I don't listen to just one of them." The core emotion of all human life, according to Anirudh, is Restlessness. And I really believe that is true. If I wasn't so restless as to know about the reason of my existence, I wouldn't be really bothered to find the 'me'.

I know I am a very boring writer. I always speak about the same ideas. The same things over and over again. And yes, even this is about what I always talk about. Anyway, the fake guy within me is giving me a lot of trouble. I've received a lot of sermons yesterday and I've thought a lot about all of them. I was talking to Kruthika yesterday and me being me, started talking about the reason of existence, about Neitzsche, Supertramp and Tolstoy. Yesterday evening talking to Anirudh, after a long time and for a long time, I exactly knew what he was saying. That I'd always talked about Jobs, Caulifield etc, wanted to be like them but never done all that they had done. A kind of Chandramukhi saga, just that he was Rajnikanth here. All my life, I read and I dreamt. In that process, I felt I had done all that. But the truth is I haven't and so I've just been paraphrasing all those people. No original stuff here folks. And the reason Steve Jobs, Rabbi, Anurag Kashyap or Alex Supertramp became what they became and I'm still a shithole because all I've been doing is just talking. I've never shown the courage or skill or the passion to rise above myself and become the Aditya Sirish.

And you know what that means. I've never bent my back and smelt sweat. I've never felt the mud in my palms and satisfaction in my eyes. All along, I've just been a viewer, a third person who's entire foundation of thought is based on someone else's, be it Ayn Rand, JD Salinger or Garcia Marquez. I'm not the guy who lived. So far, I'm just the guy who wanted to live. And the fake guy within me's convinced me that I really have lived. Sad truth but has to be acknowledged. Thomas Huxley said, "Do what you have to do, when you have to do it. Everything else will fall into place." So reading The Fountainhead or RGV's blog or Scorsese's story before an exam will take me nowhere. All it can do is make myself more of a wannabe. Someone who's hoping to get into the big league but who's not willing enough to pour his heart out and run. The spectator can only have but a faint idea of the feeling when Tendulkar hooks the ball. Sure, he thinks he knows what it feels like but then it'd be nothing compared to what Sachin'd be feeling then. And since Sachin is ready to toil for 16 hours a day even now, he deserves it but not the spectator who's munching popcorn.

You have a right to be as big a dreamer as a doer. But if you want to dream big, then you have to be ready to do big. Sorry, I'm not preaching, I'm just telling myself. Wannabes never live. They hope they'd live and convince themselves that they're living. Infact, there's nothing wrong with being a wannabe. No problem doing what you really like in someone else. But the problem arises when the feeling ends at wanting to. Actually doing is what matters.

Life in a way is very simple. Its like a huge maze where doing the right thing now will lead you closer to the goal- that, here, being the Reason of your Existence. But if you expect to sit at someplace and order answers known, you are just screwing yourself up. Its all written in the oldest saying. Talk Less, Do More. Take life step by step. Live life this moment. And, The answers will be known when they have to be.

Unlike a lot of my other pieces, I'm neither feeling elated nor depressed at the end of this. I just don't feel anything at all. The answers are staring at me and its high time I acknowledge their presence. The task to be done is cut-out. Talk less. Stop thinking about Cool or Unconventional. Dream big, but then get ready to sweat it out because your dreams are only as big as your actions.


  1. hey..thats very nice n realistic....applies to all!!

  2. Correction. You the Mr. i am the definition of Wanna be...

    i'm glad...really...this is probably the first time what i said actually impact...and it hit the spot...hope this doesn't just end with the post and you work on what you sure you'll do just great...

    all the best mawa..

    your's chinnu...